Do Seagulls Get Wedgies?


Alright already, I’m starving!  I haven’t seen an errant French fry, flung about by a wasteful human in months.  WHERE ARE THE HUMANS?  I’m a seagull, so a novel coronavirus means absolutely nothing to me.  The fact there are no fries is a big deal!!!  I mean, I make my living mooching and scrounging, and believe me, humans are usually  reliable for throwing us moochers our share of fries and other treats.

So it’s been a lonely, hungry Spring for us seagulls.  Just yesterday I overheard a gaggle of honkers protesting the fact that they are actually having to forage for food instead of relying on human handouts. It’s wrong, so, so wrong.  Foraging is for baby birds and warthogs, I’m a seagull, I don’t do foraging!  Takeout food parking lots are pretty much empty.  Humans are hoarding toilet paper and hand sanitizer, and they’re scurrying back and forth from grocery stores with HUGE bags of food, but they’re not sharing.

The pigeons are looking like stick birds too, hungry for their daily bread smatterings from human admirers.  Every pigeon I try to chat up gives me the stink eye and shoos me away.  Seriously dudes, I’m not interested in gettin’ in your feathers, I’m just trying to find out where the food is at!  Pigeons are punks anyway.

It’s been a cold Spring here in Central Ontario and the ice has only been off the lakes for a few weeks.  I’ve checked out the town, parking lots and even dumps and believe me, not much pickins anywhere.  I think I need to move south…

When I first heard of COVID-19 I thought it was CORVID-19, as in 19 crows.  I was really worried that those feathered bozos were now some kind of thug bird gang of crows stalking parking lots, trying to kick me off their, er, MY turf.  But alas, COVID-19 doesn’t have anything to do with birds at all.  It may be something from bats, but the jury’s still out on that too.  Either way, it’s causing us seagulls and other feathered beggars to go without, to reassess life in general, and to long for the good ‘ole days when French fries were plentiful, humans were everywhere, and the livin’ was easy.

So, we have a novel coronavirus running rampant among humans, and now, MURDER HORNETS.  WTH.  All hornets are nasty, evil things (bees are okay… they’re even kinda cute).  A cousin over yonder in Washington State wired me a photo he snapped of a Murder Hornet, HOLY CRAP IT WAS HUGE!!!!  I mean, these things get up to 2 inches long!  OMB, that’s basically a hummingbird with an even meaner, badass attitude.  I told my cousin to be careful about where he was flying, and to not snap at or try to eat anything that buzzes and is yellow and black!

Another cousin over in the UK sent videos of sheep playing on a tilt-a-whirl in an empty playground and goats roaming city street… what the heck is happening????  I mean wow, the humans have seemingly surrendered their outside world to farm animals and giant bugs.  Is this some kinda weird alternate universe I’ve somehow fallen into?  Something has happened and I did NOT get the memo.

Whatever, I’m still starving so I’m heading over to McDonald’s, it’s lunchtime so there just has to be at least one human in the parking lot who will take pity on a skinny seagull in pink knickers.

Until next time, be on the lookout for giant hornets, wayward livestock and humans – they’re out there, somewhere!