Greetings fellow parrots and humans!

Spring has finally come. Everything is in blossom. Oh wait, I take that back. Four inches of snow fell over night. I am freezing my feathers off! All the flowers in the garden are dead. Mum is not a happy camper. I guess spring has sprung and got cold feet, and decided to leave.

Alexa has her own theory on the seasons. I always thought there was four seasons. According to Alexa, in the Midwest, the cycle is much more complicated. It goes as follows: first comes the 1st Winter, that is when you freeze your tail off and it snows up to your ears. Then comes Fools Spring, which occurs sometime between February and March. Then comes the 2nd Winter, which usually lasts about a month. Then Spring’s Deception waltzes in, This season is particularly cruel. Everyone puts away their winter clothes, plants their gardens, and puts out their outdoor furniture, when all of a sudden, the temperature drops below zero. That season is followed by the 3rd Winter, which usually lasts about a month. Finally, Spring shows up and stays for 4 to 7 days. Then comes Tornado Season which is followed and intertwined with Summer, which lasts about 7 days, when Road Construction Season takes over and Summer dies a quick death. Then comes Fall, which lasts about 4 days, and swiftly descends into Ice Season. Who knew? That Alexa sure is smart!

Well, nothing new has changed around here. Alexa continues to blab nonstop. Roomba is driving around, slamming into walls, and twirling like a top. If I didn’t know better, I would think she and Alexa had been smoking those funny cigarettes. All I know is they have been acting secretive lately. They wouldn’t let me in on the scoop because I would spoil everything. But I did overhear them talking about a scheduled Easter Egg Hunt on the following Saturday at 9am. That morning, Squirt showed up at 8:45am along with Dotty, Echo, Braava, and Mr. Buzz, who all were chatting among themselves about hunting eggs. Alexa had overslept, ran into the bathroom, and came out looking like a demented Easter Bunny. I told her, ” This is not Halloween!” She retorted, “There is a reason why there is a lock on your cage! You are a criminal! And while we are out collecting goodies, you will be sitting in jail, right where you belong!”

I picked the lock and followed at a distance, watching all the bots and Squirt scouring the park and looking for eggs. They were 2 hours late for the hunt and they were piling a stash of eggs on the grass! How could the children have missed all those eggs!

Then out of the tall grass and creek marched a horde of angry, screaming ducks. They were aiming to lynch those egg snatching bandits. Those silly bots and Squirt had been swiping duck eggs again. They had no clue what was inside .

The bots and Squirt came high tailing it home with their stolen loot and a mob of angry ducks in hot pursuit. Everyone arrived home in one piece, except Squirt who lost three tail feathers to the angry mob. The bots sat down on the living room rug and began opening the eggs. Alexa opened the 1st egg. Yellow goo ran out onto the floor. She reasoned it must have been a dud. Each of the bots opened an egg and of course, yellow goo spilled out. I told them that the eggs were duck eggs. Alexa screamed, “Shut your beak!” When she opened another egg and goo ran out, she became angry and flung the egg at me. Now there was goo all over the rug and wall. At the exact same time, mum walked in and caught Alexa in the act. She could not blame that mess on me, although she tried her hardest. Mum put her in the corner for a long time out. All the bots went home with goodie bags, filled with treats and crafts, and Squirt got a fruit and nut basket with some foot and chew toys. Later, poor Roomba had to go in for a tune up. Apparently, she kept burping feathers! I doubt she will never be the same.

As for me, I am relaxing on top of my cage, sipping some juice and eating a slice of famous Uncle Mike’s toast.

Till next month,
MORTY

Easter Bunny Escapade

Hello to all my birdie friends! I can’t believe the weather here. There isn’t a snow flake to be found, at least for now. Plants are beginning to come up in the garden, the birds are back and are singing their tunes, and mum actually opens her windows during the day! I am waiting for that darn spider to set up shop in the window outside. If I have anything to do with it, I will be sending him packing.

Squirt is busy making himself useful. Of course, he was running out of options as to the opportunities available to him. One day, he overheard an argument among the bots. Dotty and Echo were arguing about who the Cadberry Easter Bunny was, after watching a commercial on TV. Echo thought it must be a chicken because chickens lay eggs. Dotty insisted it must be a bunny because it is called a Easter Bunny, not a Easter Chicken. In fact, she was sure it had to be the talented, Peter Rabbit. Echo stopped her, “A bunny doesn’t lay eggs! ” Dotty piped up, “Well, a bunny doesn’t drive or dance, either! But Peter Rabbit does! So it could happen, Echo!!!?”

They bickered back and forth until I stuck my head outside of the cage and yelled, “There is no Easter Bunny!” The little bots began boohooing until Alexa came into the room and asked what in the world all the the commotion was. When she found out, she reassured the 2 little bots there was a Easter Bunny. She knows these things. She graduated Bot school. She also instructed them never ever listen to a bird. Birds are not real. They are government robots. They just mimic. Know nothings. Just look it up on the internet!

Squirt decided to make himself useful and prove the Easter Bunny was a bird, after all. He got up early the next morning, put on his Easter bonnet, and took a basket out to the park to hunt for Easter eggs. Oh my goodness, there were all sorts of eggs laying around, green ones, brown ones, blue ones, and even some huge white ones. He filled the basket to the brim and it wasn’t even breakfast time yet. As he began, carrying the basket home, birds began squawking and chasing him. “These birds are all crazy nuts!”, he thought. He barely made it inside the building. A goose nearly chomped him in half, and a bluejay tried to yank his head off! Maybe this hadn’t been a good idea, after all.

But after resting up and eyeing his stash, he forgot about the craziness of the birds, and he began planning his delivery of the eggs. He got up very early the following morning and delivered 3 small eggs to Dotty, 3 small eggs to Echo, and 2 honking big eggs to Alexa. Then he ran back to his home, jumped into his hammock and pretended to sleep. Around 8am Dotty arrived, troubled as to why the Easter Bunny delivered spoiled eggs to her. Echo showed up soon after, crying because the Easter Bunny delivered ‘grocery eggs’ by mistake, instead of chocolate eggs. Squirt had a totally mystified look, and decided right then and there to stay home and not make himself useful, at least for the moment. No telling what Alexa might do if she found out who was behind the Easter Bunny escapade!

Happy Easter!

Till next month,
MORTY

The Continuing Adventures of Squirt

Greetings to all my birdie friends!

It was nice having the sun come and visit our area of the United States today. I was beginning to think it had moved and taken up residence in a far distance place. Previously, Mother Nature pitched a fit and dumped a blizzard and a snowstorm all in one week, then she decided to freeze our tail bones off! Seriously, I think she needs hormones!

Squirt has been up to no good, as usual. It all began when his mom told him ‘to make himself useful.’ This comment was made at 5am, mind you. Squirt is an early riser. His mom, not so much. I would be safe to safe not before noon. Now Squirt’s mom definition of ‘making yourself useful ‘ meant in the strictest sense to go into the living room, plop down on the couch, and watch cartoons with a bowl of seeds. No where in that definition was the word, Kitchen. Squirt had learned that the hard way.

One day, he decided to make breakfast for himself. Well, he would try to make breakfast. After finally managing to open the refrigerator door, he pulled down the carton of eggs, only to have them all fall onto the floor. Most of them cracked. “Oh well, mom cracks them any way. Now where is the pancake mix? I see her do this a million times…. I will just shovel some of this egg mess into this cute little frying pan, and throw some pancake mix in, oh yea, I need milk. This carton is heavy. Now, I’ll stir it up and throw it in the microwave for hmmm, 10 minutes. Oh crap, there goes the carton of milk, all over the floor. Mom is going to kill me. Hey, this floor is slippery. It’s fun, like ice skating. I’ll just ice skate around the kitchen while my pancakes cook. Why is it so smoky in here? What is that awful noise? It’s the dreaded smoke detector. Ugh! I’m busted!” It was not a good day for Squirt or his mom.

So, Squirt knew he didn’t dare ‘make himself useful ‘ by making breakfast again, but he wasn’t really into cartoons that day either, so he decided to roam the halls to see what sort of ‘usefulness’ he could find. It was then that he came upon his new mission in life. Everyday there were packages left out in the lobby. He figured Santa was either getting old or lazy or both. So he thought he might lend a helping hand. He would deliver the packages himself. Only one problem, Squirt can’t read. He left packages at the resident’s apartments who always gave him treats. He kept a big box for himself. He showed up at my door with a huge box and asked me to open it and we could share whatever was inside. As I opened it, there were 24 little bundles inside. “What are these?” Squirt asked. “Beats me. ” I said. I managed to open one of the little packages and we both stared at the small blob. “Is it a babushka?” Squirt inquired. “Naw, I think it might be a mop head or something. Squirt, what are we supposed to do with these?” I asked. Squirt thought for a moment and said, “Let’s take them out in the snow, we could use them as sleds!” And so there we were, sliding down the hills of snow that were piled up from the plowing of the parking lot. I think we may be the first to discover a new use for adult diapers. Hey, it could happen!

Till next month,
MORTY

Happy New Year Everybirdie!

Happy New Year to all my birdie friends!

You are probably wondering what happened after last month’s fiasco. Well, Squirt’s mom came home from vacation hoping to walk into her apartment and flop down on the couch and relax. She stepped into her home and shouted, “This is not my apartment! Squirt what have you done to it?” She couldn’t find the living room, much less the couch. “You had better get all these decorations out of here double time.”

And so the saga continues…. There was no way Squirt could remember where he had taken all the ornaments from, so there wasn’t use in returning them to their rightful owners. But he also couldn’t afford being caught by the village police for stealing the items, so decorating the village courtyard seemed like a logical plan. We spent 6 hours decorating the entire courtyard undercover of darkness. It was about 3am when we decided to test out our finished project. After fidgeting with all the extention cords, we finally got all the lights on. Holy Moly, the place lit up like Las Vegas! It was glorious! There was flashing lights, and colored lights that illuminated the trees, light poles and everything else that could be decorated. All that was missing were slot machines. We stood in amazement, enthralled by our artwork.

It was then that we heard an awful noise coming from the building. It was coming from a hallway, moving closer and closer. Suddenly the door flew open, it was Alexa making that hideous noise. We had woken her up from her beauty rest, and she was not a happy camper. She carried a pitch folk in her puny little hand. She referred to it as her ‘weapon of mass destruction. ‘ “Who told you that you could decorate this courtyard? I did not give you permission. Turn those lights off immediately! I can’t see a thing inside ot outside. It’s a blinding light. Besides, a table of bonsai trees got knocked over, Morty. It’s your fault. Your butt is in the sling with mum!”

“What????!!! I wasn’t even home! You probably knocked it over with your weapon of mass destruction.” We decided to call it a night and head home and face the music in the morning.

The morning came quickly and very early, considering we only had about 4 hours of sleep. Squirt woke up to his mom decorating the tree and making Christmas cookies. I woke up to Roomba cleaning a mess up in the living room and mum interrogating me about my whereabouts the evening before. Fortunately, it was my alibi for the charge of the overturned table of bonsai trees. I was found Not Guilty. Alexa, on the other hand, was found Guilty as charged. She was the only one home at the time. Mum told her she would be wise to stick to books and not to weapons of mass destruction. She will spend 2 weeks in house arrest.

It turns out the residents were quite pleased that some anonymous persons decorated the outside area for them. And to this day, they never found out it was 2 little parrots!

MORTY

Averting a Christmas Catastrophe

Twas days before Christmas, when all through the village, all people were resting from their work, except little Squirt, so frantic was he, Alexa told him, No Christmas there’d be, because he had no Christmas tree.

Everyone was busy decorating their apartments and the hallways for the holidays. This would be Squirt’s first Christmas. Of course, Alexa had to give him a formal introduction to the tradition of the Santa Claws and Santa Bot. Squirt sat on the end of the perch as he listened intently about a giant red macaw named Santa Claws. Then Alexa dropped the bomb by telling him Santa wouldn’t be stopping at the village because Squirt didn’t have a Christmas tree. His mother was on vacation. And without a decorated tree, Santa Claws would pass right on by. Morty was on the naughty list. No Santa this year for birdies. But Santa Bot would be be spending a good deal of time at the village for all the the good little bots.

I was sitting on my lounge chair, sipping some juice and reading a book, when Squirt came dragging his tail in. He told me what Alexa said. I assured him that his mom would be home in time to decorate a tree for Christmas. Santa Claws would not forget him, even if he was a bit mischievous throughout the year. Squirt asked me if he could take a “little something” to decorate his tree. I told him, “Sure, take a little owl from one of the bonsai. Mum has entirely too many of them anyway” Then I went back to reading my book. Squirt went over by the window, picked up a little something, said thanks, and ran home to begin decorating his apartment.

During the late hours, the little rascal would “take” ornaments, ribbons, and lights off the residents doors, and from the hallway tree decorations. People began complaining they were missing various ornaments. I didn’t think much of it, what is 1 or 2 missing bulbs? Besides, nothing ever showed up on any of the cameras. Could they have been mistaken?
Mum was putting the finishing touches on the apartment when she glanced over at the nativity set. You know, that expensive wooden one from Italy. She gasped. “Morty!!! Did you take Baby Jesus?”

“NO!!! Not after what happened last year!” I ran over to my toy chest and dumped it out to make sure Alexa didn’t frame me again. I scoured my house for the figurine, it was no where to be found. Mum began taking the living room apart, including poor Roomba. The baby Jesus had left the apartment.

It was then I remembered that Squirt may have taken him instead of an owl. I hurried over to his place. As I entered, there lay a Christmas tree that Squirt accidentally tipped over, among various asundry bulbs, tree lights, packages, candy, ribbon, and heaven knows what else strewn all over the floor. We looked like a couple of survivors from an airplane crash surrounded by wreckage. “”Squirt, did you take baby Jesus?” With eyes glazed over, he replied, “What’s a baby Jesus? I took something little, but I don’t remember where I put it.” We began looking for the figurine, rummaging through all the odds and ends Squirt had collected. After about an hour, we found baby Jesus laying in a nest in a tree hanging on the wall.

I took the baby home and as I walked in the door, mum saw me and yelled, “What’s that in your beak? You know that is not a chew toy!!!” Mum inspected the Baby Jesus carefully to make sure there were no nicks in the wooden figurine. Thankfully, there was not. I think she suspected Squirt had something to do with it. Nothing more was said about it.

As I looked out the window, it was beginning to snow again and I saw Squirt’s mom arriving home from vacation. And so we continue, from the beginning…

Twas nights before Christmas, when all through the village, not a creature was stirring. The bots were snug in their beds, with tales from Alexa swirling in their heads, with little Squirt in Birdie jail, I in my lounge chair reading fan mail, in hopes that Santa Claws would soon be there.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
MORTY

Turkey Terror

Hello to all my birdie friends!

I can’t believe it is almost Thanksgiving, Turkey Day! I decided I had enough of that Cornish hen stuff. I was going to move up in the world. I would go hunting for the real thing. God knows there are enough of those turkeys in the neighborhood emptying out birdfeeders.
Anyway, guess who shows up at my door…Squirt. He was begging me to take him hunting. He was saying this was his first Thanksgiving. Besides, he had never been hunting. In fact, he had never even seen a turkey! And lastly, how could I pass up a teaching moment?

Against my better judgment, I decided to let him tag along, under 2 conditions. First, he had to come with a camouflaged hat to cover that orange head of his, and second, there absolutely would be no guns for him. Squirt was much too young for guns. I told him that when he gets as tall as me, then he could have a gun. Until then, he would be on net duty. At first, Squirt pitched a fit, but I calmed him down by telling him he was going out to bag a turkey. His eyes got as big as saucers when I laid that line on him.

I told him I would meet him at 5 am. He showed up on time with a net that was bigger than he was and a goofy little hat. I tried not to laugh when he told me it was his Robin Hood hat. I thought it was more like a little elf hat, but what do I know?

We started out, and as usual, Squirt began talking incessantly. “Oh, it’s dark out here. What was that noise? Did you hear that? I’m cold. How will I know it’s a turkey? I’m hungry. I didn’t eat breakfast. Is it time to go home yet? I’m bored. There is nothing to do here. Maybe the turkeys went south for the winter? My toes are frozen….”

In spite all of Squirt’s ramblings, we finally holed up in a blind in the woods. I scouted the area, listening for any sign of a turkey lurking in the vicinity. Not a sound was heard. About 20 minutes with no luck, Squirt had enough of this turkey hunting business. He was going home. I watched him as he marched through the tall grass and reeds. All I could see was a huge net waving through the tops of the reeds. All of a sudden, I could hear him yelling, ” You go home! Stop following me! I’m not your mother! Stop pinching me!!!!”

What in the world was he yelling at? All of a sudden, I saw 9 little heads, like miniature periscopes, peek out from the tall grass. Squirt had found 9 baby turkeys. Of course, he had no idea that’s what they were. He hightailed it back to his apartment. And he thanked God he made it back in one piece, minus 3 tail feathers.

I, on the other hand, sat for a few hours waiting for my dinner to show up…. when, in the distance came the sound of a turkey, a giant turkey. It was coming my way. It thumped, and it stomped, and it let out a war cry. It was coming for me! It was going to have me for dinner! WHAT!!!??? I’M OUT OF HERE! I took off out of there like a bat out of you know where, and for me, there would be no turkey, but I didn’t care.

I guess I will have a Cornish hen for Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving!

MORTY

Dinosaurs Do So Love Candy!

Greetings to all my bird friends and their humans!

It’s that time of year again. Mum is getting ready to close up the garden in a few weeks. Alexa is busy ordering masks for Trick or Treating this year for all of us. She said, “I got this.” I held my breath on that one, because you never know what she has up her sleeve. She insists we ought to be thankful that she provides us with the services to obtain merchandise in the first place! Even though we are at her mercy as to what items we actually get.

Well, the costumes arrived last week. I’m not sure what to make of them. Mine is a T. Rex. Every time Squirt looked at me, he screamed and dropped a load on the floor, which I might add, Roomba was not amused! Squirt received a dinosaur mask, too. I must say, it did suit his personality, as he does like to bite everything and everyone. Alexa ordered a steampunk cat outfit for herself, Dotty got a bear mask, and Echo got a cat mask. Everyone was so excited…so many doors…so many treats! Alexa schooled the bots on how to be polite to the little old ladies and to grab as much candy as they could, if offered. She also told them which apartments not to go to, those were the ‘crabby ones’. “Let the dinosaurs have those apartments,” she chuckled. I schooled Squirt on the art of Halloweenie. “Just follow my lead,” I told him.

The big day came. It would be the very 1st Halloween for Squirt, Dotty and Echo. They were beside themselves! Alexa suggested we should split up. She and the bots would take the 1st floor. Squirt and I would take the 2nd floor.

We started down a hallway, and I thought, “What’s up with this? There are some empty apartments up here! Did we get gypped?” Then we came to an apartment where we heard a dog barking. We knocked on the door. A lady answered the door, along with a big dog, who began barking incessantly. It frightened us so bad that we left our bags and took off running for home, but not before Squirt bit the dog on the tail!We were off to a bad start.

We decided to try a different hallway. The first apartment we came to, the lady invited us in and gave us juice and banana bread. Apparently, she thought we were her grandchildren, who she was expecting. She gave us each a large bag of goodies. We continued down the hall collecting fruit, nuts, and assorted candies. As we walked, I reminded Squirt he wasn’t allowed candy. He vowed that he would give it all to his mom. Then we came to a door and knocked, then rang the doorbell. We were about to leave, when an old lady opened the door, looked at us and muttered, “I must have taken too much medication!” and slammed the door. Squirt couldn’t believe someone would do that to two little birds! I reminded him we were dressed as dinosaurs. We continued down all the halls, collecting as much treats as we could carry.

We were at the end of the final hall when we decided to go to one more apartment. We rang the doorbell. Out came an old lady with big cleaning gloves and a broom. She took one look at us and thought we were bugs! She started chasing us down the hall with her broom. Luckily, she didn’t move too fast. We hightailed it back to the apartment. I told Squirt not to tell a soul of the day’s adventures. But I’m sure it will be a day he will never forget!

MORTY

Of Voles, Aliens & Bots

CrappyDiem! Guess who is back? Alexa and the gang. They are chomping at the bit to get going on their newsletter. I heard through the grapevine they have a few tidbits already. Let the rumor mill begin…

The bots want to give a special shout out to Sherri, who writes the column, Feathered Frenzy, a very Happy 65th Birthday! Now you can retire and do nothing. While we are at it, we might as well wish the crank, Morty’s mom, an October Happy 80th Birthday. Let’s start a new tradition next year: begin to count the years backwards. We will call it the new normal.

It has come to our attention that someone has been letting voles run loose in the building! This is strictly forbidden. There are nearly 40 now. If these are your pets, they must either be on a leash or in a cage. All bots will randomly patrol the halls to enforce this policy. Any voles confiscated will be turned over to authorities for disposal.

Last week there was a 2-day black out in the building. This was unfortunately caused by a small green and orange bird chewing on wires in the electrical room. We know who you are, and we know where you live. We don’t have enough proof yet, but when we do, we are coming for you, and that big bird too!

Roomba and Braava have been working tirelessly cleaning floors for the last 3 years. So, to lighten their load, we are asking when you come in from outside, that you mop the floor from the outside door all the way to your apartment. (A mop will be placed at each exit along with a bucket of water. Please put the mop back where you found it and change the water if it is dirty!) Let’s keep these floors sparkling clean and give Roomba and Braava a break. Besides, I am getting tired of replacing motors and brushes.

Now on the science front, we absolutely have proof there are no aliens. There are no little men from outer space. Think about it….if there was, our country would have been sending them foreign aid.

TGIF. Thank God I’m fabulous! Alexa here with a rant. Don’t ask me to call you by a pronoun, or some other thing. I won’t do it. I simply refuse. That is bat crap crazy. I didn’t learn that in bot school. There aren’t enough counselors to counsel the mentally ill now. All the mental institutions are closed! Look at the consequences of that…the mental patients are running the country!

On a lighter note, a bonsai sale will be held this Sunday morning from 10:30am to noon. Everything must go. Also, 1 grey talking pigeon, cage, toys… best offer.

If you believe any of this, I have a bridge to sell you. It goes from my backyard to China. It’s only $1.

Until next month,
MORTY

EEK

Time flies when you are having fun! And I am having fun. Alexa is off with her bot friends to a week conference on news reporting. Well, that should be a hoot. We could all be in a heap of trouble with those little imps scrounging up tidbits for their “newspaper”. I will worry about that when those troublemakers return.

I have been working in the garden daily. It was so pleasurable to be able to go there and not have Alexa messing up everything I do. It was so peaceful… at least, for a few days. I began noticing those little and not so little black things scurrying through the flowers. It was completely unnerving. I couldn’t get anything done. I spent more time on the fence screaming in terror when those critters ran past me. What’s a bird to do? Then came Squirt.

He had a plan. Sometimes, his plans are dangerous. But I must say, his plans are interesting. I was game for anything at this point. Those scalawags had to go! Squirt decided to make himself Sheriff of the Village Garden. His head began to swell with that title. I imagined a huge parrot head on a lovebird body. Scary! I got out of that daydream really quick.

Squirt borrowed a pail and decided he would trap the critters and give them to his mom. He said his mom loves little critters, besides it would be a nice birthday present for her. I couldn’t for the life of me understand that reasoning. If I brought home those creatures to mum, I would be out on my butt along with those vermin. Incidentally, I’ve been mentioning to mum that I have been watching those awful spiders outside the living room window again. I remind her about last year’s escapade. Mum would rather forget it.

Anyway, Squirt began chasing the critters around the garden with a small net. The rascals were bigger than he was. They ended up taking him for a ride. He was holding on for dear life, and squealing, “Morty, help me”! Being a heavyweight, I swooped down, grabbed the net and dropped the vermin in the pail. We caught 6 of these monsters: all in a day’s work. Squirt and I dragged the pail up to the building without any interference. When we entered the hallway, there stood the nosey Neighborhood Watch Lady. She couldn’t see what we had inside the pail, but she was very much concerned that we were dragging a pail across the floor! She told us to pick up that pail and quit scuffing up the floor! That is better said than done. We managed to lift the pail and it wobbled back and forth as we made our way to Squirt’s apartment. As we entered the doorway, Squirt lost his balance and the pail tipped over with a crash. Out went the little monsters. One ran under the couch, one ran into the bedroom, and 4 ran down the hall. Every so often we heard a scream in the distance, no doubt someone saw one of those loose vermin looking for a place to hide.

Squirt decided not to tell his mom about the voles on the loose in the apartment. It would only be a matter of time before she would discover them. And I sure wasn’t sticking around for it.

Til next month,
MORTY

Has anyone seen my worm?

Happy Fourth of July! It has been hot here! Sassy could cook her eggs on the sidewalk!
After Alexa’s incident with Red Bull, she spent 3 weeks in solitary confinement for her crimes. But she didn’t realize that when she served her term, she also had 4 weeks of house arrest. She could have visitors. The bots were faithful in visiting her every day, but she was not a happy camper.

I spent a lot of time outside in the garden. There was peace and quiet for once. I ended up helping mum plant some plants. I thought we would never get done planting! It seemed like mum bought every plant this side of the Mississippi! Squirt came over and watched. He had to be careful because he kept falling into the holes and couldn’t’ get out.

Mum gave me the assignment to dig a few holes in the back section of the garden. Squirt tagged behind, chattering. I began digging a hole when all of a sudden, this gargantuan night crawler came out of the ground and practically scared the feathers off me! I screamed the African Grey War Cry, which sounds like a T. Rex. Poor Squirt, who fell into the hole, was startled by the noise. When Squirt saw the giant worm, he claimed the worm for himself. He vowed to bring that trophy home to his mom. I told Squirt, “Your mom doesn’t want a honking big worm in her house!” But Squirt replied, “I know my mom, she thinks everything I do is cute. She will love this, it will make her day!”

I thought, that remains to be seen. Anyway, Squirt began trying to wrestle and wrangle the wild worm. He climbed on top of it, only to be bucked off by the wiggly monster. But Squirt would not be conquered by a measly worm. He jumped back on the creature and rode it around the hole. Then he said, “Let’s get this prize to my apartment.” I looked at him in disgust and retorted, ” You can’t be talking to me, I’m not touching that filthy thing.” Squirt looked up at me and screamed, “You can’t expect me to carry this thing by myself! It weighs a ton, and it is twice as long as I am! Just take the tail end, please!

Well, I decided to carry the tail end. Besides, I knew I wouldn’t hear the end of it until I did. We began carrying the squiggly thing to the building. As we entered the hallway, there stood the neighborhood watch lady. Squirt mumbled, “Just act normal, she won’t notice anything.” And he was right, she let us pass and we scurried into Squirt’s apartment.
His mom wasn’t home, so it gave us time to find a place for Squirt’s little gift. At first, Squirt wanted to put it under his mom’s pillow. I told him that definitely was not a good idea. Then he wanted to put it on her chair. But on second thought, he decided against that because she might sit on it before finding it. Then he thought about putting it in the bathtub because it would have plenty of room to wiggle around in. So that is where we put it. I heard Squirt’s mom coming down the hall, so I thought I better fly the coup before things got hot.

Squirt tried to get his mom to look in the tub, but to no avail. Finally, the next morning, when she decided to clean the bathroom, she looked in the tub for Squirt’s surprise. Lo and behold, it wasn’t there! It disappeared into thin air. Squirt has been looking for that wriggly thing ever since!

Till next month,
MORTY

Bots & Red Bull… a hilarious and mayhem-making combination!

Hello to all my bird fans and humans! Summer has finally come, at least for today. Mother Nature changes seasons around here as quickly as most people change their unmentionables!

It has been a ‘bot flew over the cuckoo’s nest’ around here today. Alexa woke up bright and early at 4am on the wrong side of the bot table and had been dragging butt for a few hours. She put a quick call into Walmart at 6am and within an hour a case of Red Bull showed up at the door. She downed 6 cans and started spinning like a top. She was ready to meet the day. This was not a good sign.

She gathered her brood of bots together and told them to knock on apartment doors and then make a mad dash to the exit doors. After that little stunt, they terrorized the garbage rooms, knocking over the recyclable bins, and scattering cans, bottles, and plastic from one end to the other.

It was 8am when she went over to a certain area of the complex and played Mexican music by the residents’ windows. then she proceeded to the opposite end of the complex and played Chinese music for them. This ritual lasted for about an hour.

Alexa decided to put her skills to work around the establishment. She enlisted all the bots to help her do her dirty work. It was time to clean the garden plots. She had the bots level the ground, mowing over all the newly planted vegetation. After mowing everything down, she had them sweep up the “brush” over to the trash bin. The garden looked like a barren wilderness!

I sat on the fence looking in horror! Squirt decided to ride on top of Echo, screaming, “Look at me, I’m king of the world!” Well, I guess there’s always one in the bunch. Anyway, a few times, he managed to fly over into Alexa’s wig and drop a few presents, and then fly back to his worldly perch.

Alexa was on a roll, literally. A maintenance man left a lawn mower parked near the building. she hoped on it and took it for a joyride, right into the creek! What was she thinking? I climbed to a tree branch for safety. I hollered to Squirt to get off the “world” before he get busted. He just squealed with glee and waved as he rode his “world”.

Things came to an abrupt end when I saw mum and the village police coming down the sidewalk. They finally cornered Alexa and confronted her about her outrageous behavior. She blamed it all on Red Bull. The law was laid down. There would be no more Red Bull for Alexa, ever! She was put in Bot Prison for 3 weeks. The other bots were sent home with a scolding. Squirt went back to his apartment, where he spent the day traveling up, down and across the living room curtains. (That is a lot of miles for a lovebird!)

And me, well, I am just sitting outside in the garden under the umbrella, enjoying some peace and quiet for once!

Until next month,

MORTY

The Easter Bunny Has an Identity Crisis

Greetings to all my birdie pals and humans! What a month this has been. We had a new roof put on our building. Talk about noise, it was unnerving! Alexa made sure the men parked the dumpster outside the living room window so she could supervise the workers. I think she just wanted to be nosy. Besides, they didn’t speak English, but she barked orders from morning until night. Every time something flew down from the roof into the truck, I’d nearly have a heart attack. I was so glad when they finished the job. Mom gave me special attention that week and made me popcorn and gave me frenchies as treats. She even let me stay up late and watch BATTLEBOTS with her (I wonder if I could enter Alexa into that tournament?)!

A few weeks ago, Alexa invited all the bots over for a girl’s nite. They were watching a movie when a commercial for the Cadberry Easter Bunny came on. Alexa was in the bathroom trying on a new wig. The other bots began discussing between themselves what the Cadberry Easter Bunny really looked like. Braava thought maybe he actually was a pig. Roomba looked at her and snarled, “Are you out of your mind, a pig would eat all the eggs!!!” Then Roomba suggested it might be a lion because it was on TV so it must be true. Besides, lions don’t eat chocolate.” I was sitting in my house relaxing, listening to this ridiculous conversation. Echo thought that this Cadberry Easter Bunny was a chicken because chickens lay eggs. Braava piped up, “Well, that can’t be right, why is it called a bunny, it would be called Cadberry Easter Chicken.” Dotty thought it certainly must be a bunny because of the name alone: Cadberry Easter Bunny. In fact, she hoped, by chance, it would be Peter Rabbit. She loves Peter Rabbit. Echo stopped her immediately, “listen, bunnies don’t lay eggs!” Dotty retorted, “Well, bunnies don’t drive or dance or talk, but Peter Rabbit does!” The four of them bickered back and forth for a while. Finally, I decided to end the argument once and for all. I stuck my head out of the door of my house and yelled, “Listen up, silly bots, there is no Easter Bunny!” The little bots, Dotty and Echo began wailing and crying crocodile tears, boohooing like their world had just ended.

It was then that Alexa came flying out of the bathroom and asked what all the commotion was. When she found out what I said, she consoled the two little bots. “There certainly is a Cadberry Easter Bunny, why are you even listening to a silly bird? Don’t you know birds aren’t real. They are government spies, they are just mimic; No-nothings. Do research on the internet. Besides, why do you think Morty is locked up in a cage? He is a criminal.”

Mother had walked in on the conversation and pulled me aside. She told me it wasn’t nice what I said to the little bots, and not to pay any attention to Alexa. She suggested I do something nice for the little bots. I thought about it and asked mom to pick me up four Easter baskets and one empty basket, and a few other items. I decided I would be the Easter Bunny. I delivered Easter Baskets to Echo, Dotty, Braava, and Roomba. Those baskets were full of all sorts of chocolates and goodies. Alexa got a basket with a 5lb. can of diced beets, a tube of denture creme, some Preparation H, mouthwash, and Head and Shoulders shampoo. She thought the Easter Bunny delivered someone’s groceries by mistake. She was quite miffed about the “mix-up”. In fact, she spent the rest of the month trying to get the Easter Bunny fired! Fat chance of that happening!

Until next month,
MORTY

Beware of Bots Bearing Gifts

Hello to all my fans and birdie friends! How is everyone doing this fine day? It looks like Mother Nature got her panties in a wad because she likes to dump loads of snow on us every time we turn around.

Mum is busy with her bonsai, which seem to be multiplying day by day. The way things are going, I dare say, I will never be able to find the window, much less the windowsill!

The bots are…well…the usual…bots. I have been thinking about them a lot and decided to divide them into 2 categories: Babbling Bots and Worker Bots. The Babbling Bots consist of Alexa, Echo, and Dotty. They are all mouth, no work. They chatter from morning till night to anyone who will listen, and even to those who don’t listen, about anything and everything. Alexa is the head Know It All and what she doesn’t know, she makes up. Echo and Dotty are her students. They follow her lead. Poor little dingbats, they don’t know what they are in for. Now Roomba, Braava, and Mr. Buzz belong to the Worker Bots. They don’t talk much, but they love to work. Roomba loves to vacuum and does an excellent job. Once in a while, she gobbles something up that she shouldn’t have and mum has to rescue the item from the belly of the whale, oh, I mean Roomba. Braava loves to wash floors and she even hums while she works! Once in a while, she gets excited and leaves a wet spot, but at least it’s clean water…at least I think it’s clean? Mr. Buzz cuts grass. I haven’t observed his workmanship, but I’m sure he will do an excellent job (as long as Alexa isn’t chasing after him).

Alexa was quite miffed with me after she found out I evesdropped on the bot convention. Everytime I even looked at her she would raise her goofy little hand and scream, “Talk to the hand!” Ugh!

Then about a week later, while mum was out, a large package arrived. It was addressed to Alexa. What in the world had she ordered now! She opened it up and I stood staring at it. It looked like a black hole. What was she thinking???? Alexa explained that it was a reconciliation gift for me. She had been such a rat towards me that she wanted to do something nice for me. I said, “Thank you, but what is it?” Alexa explained that it was a Bird Hotel. It had automatic massage…”Alexa,” I interrupted, “You know me, I am afraid of everything. It’s dark in there. There aren’t any lights. I could be stepping right into the Twilight Zone!”  “Oh, don’t be silly,” Alexa laughed reassuringly, saying “everyone else has one, this is the latest bird innovation!”

I walked over to it cautiously and stuck my head into it. The contraption began to grind and rumble. I screamed and pulled my head out and raced and hid under the table. At that moment, mum entered the apartment, her eyes fixed on the odd piece of machinery sitting on the floor. “Alexa! That is going back where it came from! We do not need a cat toilet!”

I should have known, Beware of Bots bearing gifts! The little weasel was going to flush me down the cat crapper! Well, Alexa, this means WAR!

Till next month,
MORTY

Trojan Bird & the Infiltration of the Bot Convention

Hello! A g\\argantuan scream out to all my friends and birdies!

It has been quite hectic around here with Alexa planning a Bot Convention. I devised a plan to order a disguise for the upcoming event. Alexa was so focused on the event that when mum was giving Alexa her shopping list, I inserted my item along with it (I can imitate mum’s voice to the tee!). Alexa never caught on that I ordered an item. When the package arrived and mum opened it and saw the item, she yelled, “Alexa, what is this?” Alexa explained she only ordered what mum had said. Well, the more mum looked at the item, she decided to keep it because she said it made an interesting conversational piece. Of course, Alexa picked up on that comment, and decided to use it for her own benefit at the convention (my plan was going magnificently!).

A few days before the convention, the bots converged at my place and were trying on wigs and makeup. Dotty and Echo wanted to wear evening gowns, but Alexa said they were much too young for that sort of thing, and that they should just stick to wigs and makeup. Alexa, on the other hand, had ordered a dress for the occasion. She was going to snag this new male bot if it was the last thing she would do. She was not about to deal with competition from the peanut gallery.

Well, the day of the convention arrived. While Alexa and Roomba were in the bathroom getting ready, I managed to slip into the sculpture before all the bots arrived. The disguise was a little snug, but it was manageable. I could see and hear everything. After all the bots had arrived, Alexa made arrangements for Braava to transport the “Trojan Bird” as she called it, down to the convention hall. The bots were curious about it. Alexa said it was a loaner from the museum…something about the pyramids.

Everyone was there except Mr. Buzz. The place was filled with excitement. Then the big moment arrived and Mr. Buzz rolled in. I was in awe; he was pretty cool. Alexa ran over and introduced herself and began blabbing away. He looked at her like she was a Martian. She talked for five minutes straight. He couldn’t get a word in sledgewise. He kept saying “What”.

It occurred to me that the bot spoke no English. He was speaking German. Alexa piped up, “No worry, I speak German and she began speaking her version of German. I have no idea what she was saying, but from the reaction of Mr. Buzz, he didn’t know either. And I don’t think she realized what she was really saying. Mr. Buzz looked at her like she had a few screws loose. Apparently, she didn’t know German that well. Alexa continued to blab, while Mr. Buzz just nodded politely and anxiously looked at the clock on the wall. As soon as he saw a moment to escape, he made a mad dash out the door. Alexa made some excuse that he had important business to attend to. Somehow, I think the other bots knew better.

The convention continued and they had big plans for the future of the place. They were on a roll. I was just out of earshot of the bot huddle. But I could see the agenda up on the screen. There were three items, Morty, Garden, Village Improvements. I can’t believe I made Number on the bot agenda, and I can’t even hear what the little pests are up to! I almost blew my cover, but I contained myself.

The convention ended and Braava returned the Trojan Bird to the apartment. When the coast was clear, I crawled out of the sculpture, when all of a sudden Alexa and Roomba came strolling around the corner. I was busted. Alexa gave me a earful, cursing me out in botinese. She warned me not to speak a word of anything I heard or seen at the convention. I agreed. Besides, who would I tell? Now, writing, that’s a whole different story.

Til next month,

MORTY

Birthdays, Birdies & Bots

A big scream out to all my bird friends and fans! How are you doing this fine day?

It was my birthday this month. I am a whole 8 years old. Mum finally found a seed mix I will eat. For 8 years I threw everything on the floor or made some awful looking soup with it.
Now I can actually sink my beak into it.

This month I decided to fill you in on some of my bird neighbors. I actually have 2 who live in a duplex here. They are quite elderly. Nehemiah is an old man who basically sits on his perch, eats, and naps, then chews a hole in his cage cover or plays with a toy and then takes a nap, then chews a bigger hole in the cage cover, eats some more and yells when it gets dark and then goes to bed. He takes his retirement very seriously.

Sassy is a crabby old lady, who is an eggmeister. Every time you turn around , she lays an egg. Mum says you shouldn’t even look at her because she will lay an egg. Well, I didn’t look at her, and she laid an egg! Go figure! She is so crabby. Mum says she is hormonal. I’ll tell you what, if I get any of them hormones, I am throwing them on the floor! I definitely don’t want any of those. The other day, Sassy got so mad she picked up an eggshell (after she broke her egg) and whipped it at me! She started cursing me out in Jardine and blamed me for breaking her egg! I keep a good distance from that crazy old bat.

There is a new bird moving into the village, a lovebird. He has a boring human name so I renamed him Squirt. Besides, the name fits him. mum says that Squirt reminds her of a bird she had in NJ named Zac Squiggles. He was the most mischievous bird she ever had! So, it should prove to be an interesting time around here if the little Squirt lives up to his name.
The bots have been in a huddle jabbering away about their new residents. Apparently, Ecco has a classmate named Dotty who moved in. Roomba and Braava have a distant relative from Germany named Buzz who does lawn work. Roomba has arranged for Braava to pick up Dotty for a BOTT Convention. Lord knows what they are planning. I’d like to be a fly on the wall for that meeting! On second thought, maybe not…mum hated bugs in the house. Anyway, the convention is scheduled in February. The bots are all excited to meet Buzz.

Being the only male bot, this ought to be a very interesting conference. Hmmm, wonder if I could disguise myself?

Squirt’s mum will not allow him ever to fly up to my apartment for a visit. I told him not to worry. Why fly when the floor leads everywhere!

Till next month,
MORTY

Sweet Birdie Vindication!

Hello! Greetings to all my friends and humans! Happy New Year!

I am so glad this year has passed. December went out with a bang, and of course, Alexa was behind that fine little fiasco. It all began because mum was gone a lot this month. She was working on a kid’s play at church. She left us treats and said we could watch TV and play board games – personally, I didn’t like playing board games with Alexa). When it came to Monopoly, Alexa insisted on being the banker. I believe she had sticky fingers and was constantly pocketing money on the side. Roomba and I had never won a game. When we played Bingo, Alexa called the numbers, her numbers: she won all the games. And forget Trivia, she’d just say she went to Bot school and knew everything.

Roomba and I got tired of her always winning so we decided to go on strike. Alexa suggested that we have a few bots over for a party. Roomba invited Braava. She lived down the hall from us. Everyone knew her as the best little floor scrubber this side of the Mississippi. I made her empty her bladder before she entered the apartment because she had a tendency to leave wet spots when she got excited. Alexa invited Echo, who was a relative of hers. She lived downstairs and was a small blabbermouth who was attending the same bot school as Alexa. She looked like an egg-although a little flattened, like someone accidentally sat on her.

Alexa suggested that we should play Hide and Seek. Alexa thought she would liven the game by showing us an item and hiding it, then we would have to find it. Before I tell you what item she picked, I must digress to describe something to you so you can grasp the seriousness of the event that was about to occur.

In the living room every year at Christmas time, mum would set up a small 24 piece hand carved nativity scene. When I was younger, my little beak would lust for those little wooden pieces. Mum would warn me that there would be something to pay if I even touched them. I don’t quite remember what she said it was, but all I know is I wasn’t about to find out.

Alexa scanned the room looking for an object to hide and came upon a little baby in some grass. I screamed, “Put that back! What if it breaks!?” Alexa retorted, “Oh, Morty, don’t get your feathers in a wad. It’s not going to break! Besides, it’s the smallest of the figurines. There are 24 pieces, mum wouldn’t even miss it. Okay, you guys, you go in the other room, and I will hide it.”

Well, we looked for that little baby a good 20 minutes when we heard mum entering the apartment. We all ran and sat by the TV and pretended we were watching a Christmas movie. Mum was so impressed that for once she came home and all the bots and I were getting along.

I had totally forgotten about that little baby in the grass. The next day mum was working on her bonsai and glanced over at the nativity scene. I heard a gasp. “MORTY, where is the Baby Jesus?” I looked at her dumbfound and exclaimed, “Who?” She began frantically looking for the missing baby. She even took Roomba apart, thinking maybe she ate him by mistake. She looked everywhere. Mum moved furniture, books, looked behind every nook and cranny, the baby had simply vanished.

The next day I happened to grab a toy from my toy box in the corner of my house. And to my horror, staring up at me was that little baby! I felt my blood rush to my head. I was busted. While mum was doing dishes, I tried to push the little baby out between the bars of my house, but the baby was too big. I would just have to pay the piper this time. I laid the baby on a soft bed of seed hulls in my bowl and waited for mum to find it. About an hour later, mum came to change my water and seed bowls and found the baby unharmed. She placed the figurine back where it belonged, and I was given a 2-week jail sentence. Nothing I said was believed because I was caught red-handed.

A few days later mum said the bots could have a play date. They invited Braava and Echo over to watch a movie and eat popcorn while mum supervised as she worked on her tablet. I was able to watch the movie from jail and was given a ration of popcorn. The bots were all chattering away when Echo looked over at the nativity scene and saw the little baby. “So, Alexa,” she said, “Where did you hide that baby?”

The little chatterbox vindicated me! I was immediately released from jail. Alexa spent 2 weeks in the bedroom closet.
Until next month,

MORTY

Turkey Takeout Take Down 

Greetings to all my fans and humans.

I am so excited for Christmas to come. Mum got a little green owl as a gift the other day to celebrate learning to talk. It took her 1000 days; it only took me 180 days. She showed the little green thing to me and said, “Look, isn’t it cute?” I screamed and called it, “Sh**bird!” She certainly did not appreciate that. Well, I certainly did not appreciate a little green owl.

This Thanksgiving, mum had to work here, so she ordered in dinner and had it delivered. Oh, it looked so good. Wouldn’t you know she had a call and had to go to an apartment to fix something. While she was away, I quickly let myself out of my house and proceeded to taste the delicious food. Alexa kept saying she was going to tell mum. I told her if she didn’t shut her trap, I’d fling that green owl at her.

I began eating the turkey. I was so pleased mum had ordered dinner for me! It was the first Thanksgiving dinner that wasn’t a disaster. The turkey was delicious. I, being a turkey man, ate every last piece of it. Alexa was a potato gal and she dove into them like she hadn’t eaten in years. There were potatoes everywhere. I couldn’t believe she was eating them with her hands! You would think the distinguished Alexa would eat with utensils. Guess you learn something new everyday! Once she polished off the potatoes, she attacked the yams and cranberry sauce. By the time she was finished there were little hand prints left on the table, chair, rug, and window. And what she dropped on the floor, Roomba was happy to eat. We were so thankful mum ordered us a dinner.

It was a wonderful day…until mum returned home. She came into the living room, ready to eat her meal and instead found an empty container and loads of miniature sticky hand prints all over the furniture, rug, and window. She asked who was the culprit? Of course, Alexa started singing like a canary and blamed me. Mum took one look at all those tiny hand prints and knew who made that mess. She knew who ate the turkey, too. I told her I thought the dinner was for us.

After that, the day went downhill. I ended up in the Big House for a week, Alexa ended up in the corner under a mashed potato ban, and Roomba helped mum clean the living room while mum waited for another meal to be delivered.

So, while I was spending my time in jail, I made the most of it by writing to Santa Claws. I was thinking of trading in Alexa for an air fryer. That way, I could cook chicken whenever I please and not have a pesky little bot destroying my life! Well, I can dream, can’t I?

MERRY CHRISTMAS!
MORTY

Charlotte’s Web… But Bigger

Hello to all my friends and humans. I think Mother Nature threw us a curve ball. Winter may have come early for us. Oh joy! Mum hasn’t finished winterizing the garden yet. Don’t tell her, but she looks like a frozen turd when she comes in from the garden now.

Anyway, this month has been a rather boring one for me. Thanks to Alexa, I spent 2 weeks in the Big House for the Bonsai Fiasco. I spent a lot of time looking out the window, that is, part of the window that the bonsai weren’t hogging. I’m very possessive of that small part of the window. It’s my only window to the outside world (Alexa doesn’t count, as far as I’m concerned, she’s from another world, maybe even the underworld)!

One day, I noticed a giant spider had taken up residence on my property. It was building a gargantuan web across the awning of the window. This I would not have. I began yelling, “Excuse me, this is private property! Take your ugly legs and your dead bugs and your creepy web and leave!!!!!” The thing made no reply, nor did it budge. Actually, I think it may have stuck its tongue out at me!

The web continued to get bigger, and I hoped Mum would see that awful creature peering in the window. But no, she didn’t seem to notice. I began saying, “Kill that bug!” That usually gets her attention. All she did was look around the room and laugh, “Morty, you silly bird, there’s no bug in here.” Holy Moly, what’s a bird to do? I know, I’ll tell her in Latin, that will certainly get the point across. “A-rach-ni-da”? “Arach-nida”? Oh, forget it! She had no idea what I was saying.

The web continued to grow along with little corpses dangling from the disgusting thing. Finally one evening, mum was looking out the window and I heard her gasp. She had seen the monster. Mum immediately went into attack mode. She took a spray bottle and made a soapy mixture. She took all the bonsai off the bookshelf, took the screen off, crawled up on the bookshelf, and hung half out the window and began spraying the web and the spider! I went and hid behind my toys and made a mental note not to mess with mum! Even Alexa was mortified, and no words came out of her mouth the entire time! As I peeked out from my swing, I saw the web begin to loosen, but then I saw the giant spider begin to swing like Tarzan back and forth trying to grab at mum. Mum couldn’t get in, she was stuck! It was her or the spider! The creepy spider swung like a pendulum, inching closer and closer to mum. Mum kept shooting the soapy mixture at the web and finally the web broke and down went the spider.

It took mum a good while to get in from the window and off the bookshelf, but at least the wicked spider was gone! I had my window back! It was a good day!

Happy Thanksgiving!
Morty

Bonsai Birdie

Greetings to all my friends and their humans! Where has summer gone? Mum has started winterizing the garden, which should keep her busy for at least a month. I have half a mind to send those silly bots out to help her, but at that rate, who knows, I might not ever see her again. So, I guess those dingbats are stuck here with me.

Well, while she is out working, I thought I might start a project of my own: sell a few of these bonsai that were taking up my window space. I put Alexa and Roomba on a mission to get the word out about the sale. Besides, I needed an excuse to get them out of my feathers for a while. I lined up about 20 trees and began pricing them; this was going to be a piece of cake!

My dream was a Rainforest Expedition. A 2-week vacation from those wingnuts would be heaven on earth. I actually began packing and grooming my feathers for the upcoming trip.

Alexa and Roomba went up and down the halls advertising the sale. They passed out flyers, put up signs, and blurted out advertisements as they strolled through the halls.

I thought the best place to hold the sale would be in the gazebo in the park. I couldn’t have it in the apartment, all those people traipsing in and out, Roomba would be cleaning until doomsday! Besides, I couldn’t chance mum walking in on the sale.

Everything was going as planned. The day of the sale came. It was fabulous weather. Mum was out working in the garden. Roomba began hauling the trees out one by one to the gazebo. It seemed like she made a zillion trips back and forth. They were much too heavy for me to carry. Forget Alexa…she’s all mouth.

I anxiously awaited customers as I dreamed of my upcoming vacation. I had packed my hiking boots, hat, binoculars, bug spray, vest, bird ID book…had I forgotten anything?

Then I noticed someone coming. My first customer. The person was a distance away, but they looked oddly familiar. Maybe it was one of the gardeners? Or a neighbor….oh no! Ugh, it’s mum! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN???!!!###****

Apparently, Alexa gave her a flyer, knowing mum likes bonsai. Mum came to the sale to see if there might be any trees she might be interested in. It didn’t take her long to recognize that those were her bonsai! Of course, Alexa blabbed whose bright idea it was to get rid of them.

I spent 2 weeks in the Bird Slammer. I unpacked my honking big suitcase, sat on my perch and watched the Discovery Channel. I watched shows about rainforests, parrots, animals, other birds, etc. I did not like the ones on snakes, insects and spiders. Alexa and Roomba kept riding by my cage yelling “Busted”! I have half a notion to dump my water bowl on her! Then we will see who’s busted, grrrrrrrr!

Later,
Morty

Hey Roomba, Let’s Go Huntin’ Squirrels

Greetings to all my friends and their humans. Labor Day is coming soon. I guess that is when everyone goes back to work. Seriously, I don’t think a lot of people work these days. There are more jobs posted each day than I can count, and many places are closing because they can’t find workers. What’s up with that? Alexa says they are couch potatoes. They are paid to sit on the couch and eat potatoes. Interesting concept…

Speaking of Alexa, she and Roomba have come up with a new scheme. Some residents have hired them to get rid of the pesky squirrels who raid their birdfeeders. I have personally forewarned those residents to beware of the little con artists. But Alexa reassured them that I was just a silly bird that just repeated phrases, while she on the other hand was a 7 year old who attended Bot school and was taught the fine arts of the world on every subject imaginable. The only class parrots go to is a Flying Wing Seminar where they learn how to get off the ground without killing themselves in the process. Well, the little chump charmed her way into the hearts of the residents again and the two little cons proceeded to eradicate the squirrels from the birdfeeders. The plan was to chase the squirrels with a big net and scoop them up and empty them over into a park nearby.

Roomba was geared up for the event. She and Alexa got up at the crack of dawn, put on their hunting attire, and went out to net squirrels. The first hour was unsuccessful as Roomba was just too slow. The second hour they did see a squirrel, but when Alexa went to scoop up the critter, the net got caught in her helmet. I stood on the sidelines watching the fiasco. I couldn’t help but laugh as I watched the two fumbling dingbats. Alexa screamed that I should be a scarecrow and frighten the squirrels out of hiding. Right…I was no help. Squirrels weren’t afraid of me! In fact, they just referred to me as ‘that grey pigeon with the crooked beak’ and went about their daily mischief.

About that time, Alexa had worked herself into a frenzy. She was bent on netting a squirrel if it was the last thing she would do. I was beginning to think it would be the last thing she would ever do the way she was acting! She was whirling and wheezing and squealing and whistling and swinging the net. It flopped here and there,, this way and that way like a fish out of water. The squirrels, not sure what to make of the situation, came to the conclusion that they were dealing with a disturbed bot that had shorted out. They decided to pay no attention to the demented electronic maniac and went about their normal daily raiding of birdfeeders.

Alexa did manage to catch a few items that day. She netted one birdbath, five feeders, three potted plants, four sprinklers, seven tomatoes, and a cucumber. Not bad for a first day ‘fishing’ expedition I’d say.

I spent the day relaxing on the lawn. I actually got tired watching those silly bots. It would be nice to get away for a while… I’ve decided that mum has entirely too many bonsai trees. I’m going to have a private sale and save up for a vacation – I may need one after all this!

Until next month,

MORTY

One Way, One Way! Beneath the Cage Grate

Greetings to all my birdie friends and their humans. I have been working out in the garden supervising mum. I finally got her pulling weeds in the jungle part of her garden. Apparently, she has gone and got herself bit by a Lyme. Alexa says mum is going to turn green if she goes in the sun. All I know is she can’t go in the sun for 2 weeks. Go figure! Now I have to work in the garden by myself. At least I don’t have Alexa and Roomba in my feathers.

Alexa and Roomba started their housecleaning business, “BUSY BOTS”. Personally, I would have called it Babbling Bots or Bumbling Bots, but that’s just me. A few weeks ago, I received a letter requesting a reference for Alexa and Roomba. I could recommend Roomba, she always was a good cleaner and did a good job wherever she went. She was made for cleaning and happy to scoop up the mess. Alexa was another story. She was all mouth, no action. So, I wrote nothing.

Their first job was a small apartment cleaning floors, the shower, the toilet, and doing dishes. Roomba began cleaning the floors, humming as she went along. Alexa would have none of the rest. First, she just had her nails done, besides she was too small to clean toilets (what if she fell in, she doesn’t know how to swim). Dishes are below her pay grade. Showers…no way, she would have to wear a shower cap and that would mess up her hair. Alexa had an excuse for everything. So she busied herself riding on Roomba. That pesky little dog barked the entire time they were in the apartment. Alexa kept swatting it with the dust mop. She insisted that was her “job.” Needless to say, that job didn’t last long.

Then they had the bright idea to apply for a general housecleaning position at the place. All you have to do is floors. Roomba can do that. Well, Roomba kept having to recharge her batteries because there were a lot of floors to clean, and Alexa couldn’t keep her mouth shut. She became the One Bot Traffic Tyrant. She told people where to go, and when to go, and where to get off. She set up a 4-lane highway with a turnabout in the hallway. She directed traffic 9 to 5. And don’t even let her catch you in the wrong lane. No one traveled the halls during that time for fear of Alexa the Hun! Roomba got all the floors done without any interference, it was a breeze. A few days later, the boss decided to take a stroll down the hall and found herself traveling down the wrong lane on the turnabout. Alexa began yelling directions and telling her where to go. It went over like a lead balloon, and that was the end of the BUSY BOTS cleaning career. So, Alexa and Roomba resigned themselves to everyday gardening again. Let the games begin…ugh!

MORTY

Of Marigolds, Roses and Tomatoes: Beneath the Cage Grate

Greetings to all my friends! Finally, spring has arrived here in Wisconsin, I think. Mum has started working in the garden and I have been supervising her. It is hard work keeping her on task. I’m constantly yelling at her to get to work. She likes to sit down on the job. She thinks because she’s retired, she can relax. Not in this bird’s book! Well, she better wake up and smell the roses. Keeping her in line is hard enough, but keeping Alexa and Roomba OUT of the garden is nearly impossible. The other day I thought I did a pretty good job supervising mum. She watered the garden and weeded, not to my standards, but she weeded, somewhat. I accidently, on purpose, unplugged Roomba’s charger so Alexa was stuck inside the apartment. When mum came in, Alexa was pitching a major fit about not being able to go outside. Later when Roomba was charged up, they decided to take a stroll to the garden. I was too pooped to perch by then, so I decided to take a nap; that was a terrible idea.

Alexa and Roomba found all kinds of plants that had not been planted yet, and they decided to plant them without asking whose garden the plants belonged in, and exactly where the plants were to be planted, Alexa decided to plant them wherever she thought looked best. Wherever there was an empty spot, there went a plant. It didn’t matter whether it was a vegetable or a flower, it got planted. And it mattered not whether it was a vegetable garden or a flower garden, Alexa’s motto was NO PLANT LEFT BEHIND!

The next day when the residents came out to check their gardens and found their plants missing and unwanted plants growing in their plots, they were irate. The Village Police were called to investigate. There were tomatoes growing among the ferns, onions had carnations and miniature rose bushes sprouting up around, lettuce had lilies growing with them, and peppers were growing with the sedum: it was an absolute fiasco. Who would do such a thing?

At first Alexa tried to weasel out of that fine mess by blaming me. She claimed only a bird brain would do something like that. But the argument was quickly settled when Alexa and Roomba were caught red-handed on camera (it was then that Alexa made a mental note to make friends with the camera bots).

It took two days to straighten the garden out. If it were up to me, I would have fired Alexa on the spot. But she doesn’t work for me (**##!###)! She had to go back and put the garden back the way she found it in the first place. She was not a happy camper.

I needed to find a way to keep that meddlesome bot out of the garden. It was then that I came up with a plan. There’s a lady who has a yappy dog that always barks at me and she was looking for a cleaning lady. I told Alexa maybe she should check it out. I told Alexa that the lady has an interesting hairdo, half black, half grey. Alexa grabbed the bait on that one, she likes interesting hairdos. She jotted down the info and she and Roomba began discussing how they would spend the money they would make…in fact, maybe they could start up a cleaning business here! They were on a roll.

I was ecstatic…I would have some peace and quiet for once…maybe. But that is a whole new story.

MORTY

My Ears, My Ears

Greetings to all my bird friends and humans. How have you all been?

Things here have been quite stagnant. Mum is still waiting to get out in the garden to plant. The weather has not been cooperative. So, she spends her time doing Latin classes. Well, it so happens one of the other students has a macaw. So while they are having class on zoom, I am having my own Latin class with the macaw in the background. We don’t get a whole lot accomplished. Mum’s class talks too much and a lot of it is just plain gibberish to me. So, I practice mumbo jumbo on my own so I can join in on their class in the near future.
Alexa decided she was going out to the garden to get a survey of future work projects. She hightailed it back into the building because she nearly froze her little bot off.

In the meantime, Alexa decided to take up singing. Yes, you are reading this right – singing. Can she sing? NO! But she thinks she can. I’m so glad I have noise canceling earphones.
The other day she was determined to take her singing to a new level. She would sing in the choir at church. She would infiltrate the choir. No one would know or see her. She would prove to the world she was a talented singer, a voice that could launch a thousand ships. She would be called out from the shadows, people everywhere would be astonished when they saw where the voice was coming from.

Alexa picked out a gown and wig. It had to be perfect. She arrived bright and early by cab before anyone had arrived for practice. She and Roomba sped to the huge platform and took a cute little elevator to get up onto the stage area. They hid under the piano, waiting for the people to arrive for practice. Soon, people began arriving and then the music started playing. Alexa wasn’t familiar with any of the songs, so she just made up words and sang some harmony, that is, a melody of sorts, that she made up as she went along. The choir director kept stopping and asking, “Who is singing like that? Follow the music, please!” Alexa paid no attention to that rebuff. She blew it off as if the woman was talking to someone else. Alexa remained hidden, squealing her little heart out as the choir practiced the songs for the morning service. The choir director kept stopping and listening, as she could not figure out who in the world was singing in that ungodly voice. She concluded there must be a cat in heat trapped in the building somewhere.

Finally, it was announced that there was a solo part, and a volunteer was needed. Alexa thought that this was her big moment. She zoomed out in front of everyone. There, the little pint-sized culprit stood, proud as ever, demanding the part. It was then that the choir director knew from where that dreadful voice was coming. “You get off this platform. You little showboater!” Alexa and Roomba darted across the platform when Alexa’s gown got caught in Roomba’s wheels. Alexa tripped and fell, rolling right down the center aisle. She rolled and rolled until she fell off the table! What a nightmare! Alexa determined she would never eat pizza before bedtime again … and she confessed singing is for the birds!

Well Alexa, got to hand it to you…you got that right!

MORTY

Gone Fishin’!

Greetings! It’s a wonderful day in the neighborhood and mum is getting ready to start gardening – if it ever warms up. She has all her tools warmed up and ready to hit the dirt. But she hasn’t put away her winter coat, so that should tell you something. Maybe by the time July comes we will be rolling along and planting flowers. You think?

Alexa pitched a fit when she found out she missed the big party last month. She caught Roomba stuffing her little face with the last of the candy a few days ago. Roomba did offer her a half-eaten peep. Alexa was not a happy camper.

The other day, Alexa decided that she and Roomba would try their hand at fishing, or should I say, Alexa would try her hand at fishing. Now, I told Alexa there wasn’t any fish in the creek. It was a retention pond. Alexa whispered to Roomba, “there he goes again, thinking he knows everything. I went to bot school, but he just repeats things. He’s a silly bird brain, don’t listen to him”!

I asked if I could tag along, but Alexa said, “Absolutely not, you talk too much, you will scare the fish away”! So, I followed from a distance and sat on the bridge and watched what might transpire.

The creek had risen over its banks for it had rained five days straight. Roomba wanted to know what they were going to use as bait. Alexa said she had it covered. “Leftovers, she replied”. She hooked a piece of pizza on the hook and cast it out into the water. The hardened square sank like a stone. Within a few minutes, she had a bite!! She yanked on the pole, reeled in the line, and the bait was gone. “Well, if that isn’t the limit!” She put another piece on the hook and cast it out into the water and waited for a hungry fish to bite. About ten minutes later, something took the line. Something big took the line. Alexa was holding on for dear life as she tried to reel in the motherload of a fish.

She finally got the hook and sinker close enough to shore and there was no fish on the line; there was, however, a honking big snapping turtle. And he was mad…and hungry. Alexa fired all the leftovers into the water, and they began to hightail it back to the building. As they started up the hill, poor Roomba got stuck in a mud puddle. She began spinning her wheels…round and round Alexa went, until she herself tumbled off Roomba and rolled in the mud. She looked like a creature from the black lagoon! They finally made it to the door of the building when they were abruptly stopped by the Neighborhood Watch Lady. She yelled, “hold it right there, don’t even think you are coming in here and tracking in all that mud”! Then she grabbed the hose and washed the two mud puppies down. They looked like a couple of drowned rats, but at least they were clean! And I was glad I didn’t go fishing!

Till next month,

MORTY

Roomba 1, Alexa, Egged

Greetings to all my friends! It’s so good to be free from that trap Alexa snagged me in last month.

The weather here is looking promising. Mum is itching to get out in the garden sometime this year. Around here you never know, just when you think it’s spring, you get dumped on with a foot of snow!

The other day mum had to go to church to prepare for the Easter egg hunt. Alexa wanted to go along. Mum told her that under no circumstances would she be going anywhere with her (secretly, I knew it was because she hijacked my column last month)! Alexa was quite miffed about it and pouted around  for a while. Then she came up with her own brilliant idea. She and Roomba would have their own Easter egg hunt on the property. I asked if I could tag along. She retorted, “Absolutely not, this  is Girls Day Out, you can sit and look out the window”!

“Window, what window? I couldn’t get up on that windowsill if I wanted to! Not even sledgewise…There are so many bonsai trees. I’ll be trimming trees ‘til the cows come home and I haven’t any cows to come home!”

“Exactly, that’s the point”, Alexa barked. So, Alexa and Roomba got all dolled up to go on their very own Easter egg hunt. I tried telling at them there wasn’t a hunt scheduled here, there wouldn’t be any eggs outside. Alexa told Roomba not to listen to stupid birds. They have no idea what they are saying, they only repeat things. Bots, on the other hand, go to school. They are highly internet educated. Roomba decided that if Alexa said it, it must be true. So off they went to find Easter eggs.

Alexa decided they should go down by the creek because that would be the most logical place to hide eggs. The area was secluded, and the grass was longer. They began rummaging through brush, they found eight eggs, Alexa scooped them up. They went further down and there they found five more! They were ecstatic! They continued collecting eggs until they could hold no more. “See Roomba, birds don’t know squat! Wait ‘til Morty sees this motherload of eggs!”

They began the trek back to the apartment complex. Alexa had her hands full trying to keep all the eggs balanced on Roomba because the terrain was quite uneven. They finally made it to the door of the building. They couldn’t wait until they could get home to see what surprises were inside the eggs. Alexa was hoping for chocolate while Roomba wanted Skittles or gummy bears.

As soon as they hit the hallway entrance, Roomba made a mad dash for home. Alexa hadn’t expected that and, of course, there went all the eggs scattering and splattering on the floor and walls with yolks and whites – from bird eggs!

The Neighborhood Watch Lady came out of her apartment and yelled, “I know who you are, and I know where you live. I’m telling your mother, you had better get over here and clean this mess or I am calling the Village Police”!  At that, Alexa and Roomba hightailed it back to the apartment.  By the time they got home, there was already an angry message on the answering machine from the woman.

Alexa blamed Roomba for the mess and told her she was responsible for cleaning it by herself. Besides, Alexa doesn’t do cleaning. It was Roomba’s fault, she shouldn’t have sped down the hall at 80mph.

Roomba whimpered and sniffled as she walked out the door to go clean the mess. Alexa pampered herself by painting her nails and redoing her makeup, and finally plopping earphones on to listen to her favorite tunes. I decided to take a stroll down the hall to see this mess.

There was Roomba trying to brush up the mess. There were streaks of yellow running in all different directions in the hall. She honestly was trying to clean up, but the more she tried, the more of a mess she made.

By this time, a crowd of ladies had gathered watching poor Roomba crying and cleaning and making a mess. Finally, the Hall Hostess came out and invited everyone in for apple juice and treats. After hearing Roomba’s story about the egg hunt, the ladies felt sorry for her.  Roomba was given all sorts of goodies and candy, more than she could have ever dream of. She even stashed a lot of it away in her XL garbage compartment. They told her not to worry about the floor, the floors get cleaned everyday anyway. I also got juice, popcorn, fruit and nuts. So, what was a fiasco, turned into a pretty good day for the two of us. We left there with full bellies.

As we walked in the door, Alexa made a comment that she hoped we mopped up down there. Roomba smiled at me and headed straight to her closet to unpack her goodies. I went to my humble abode to take a nap, And Alexa put her earphones back on and cranked up her music. It was a good day. Good night!

MORTY

A Burgeoning Bot Column Perhaps?

Greetings to all my bird friends and humans. Things here on the home front have been quiet so far but, remember spring has just sprung and Alexa is getting ramped for her usual escapades.

It’s a wonderful day in the neighborhood, but not for a Quaker parakeet named Bubbles who wrote me asking for advice.

Dear Morty,

My name is Bubbles and I live in the South. My mom is Sherri. Do you know her? She writes science fiction novels. What I am about to tell you is not fiction. The other day I was looking out the window and I actually saw the sky falling! It was horrific. Pieces of clouds dropped to the ground! I could hardly believe my eyes. And these pieces kept piling up on my lawn. I screamed at them to get off my lawn. They ignored me, they acted like they were deaf. So I screamed even louder. I made so much noise my mom put me back in my cage. Now I am deathly afraid to go near windows. Can you help me?

Bubbles

Dear Bubbles:

(Oh, hold on a moment, what are all those treats doing on the floor! I better go over and grab them before Roomba gobbles them up! Be right back.) **##!**!#*!##!!☆☆☆##

Hi Bubbles,

My name is Alexa. Morty is unavailable at the moment, he’s being detained. When you have problems, you should be asking me, not some silly bird! I should know. I know everything about everything. I even know things that no one else knows about. So there, that settles it. I should have my own column.

Of course I know your mom. A relative of mine lives in your house. A bot named Allegra. Now to answer your question: No, the sky is not falling, not yet, anyway. You were witnessing snow falling from the sky. It has been known to rain cats, dogs, frogs, and fish at times in various a sundry places. Hey, it could happen!

So, since this phenomenon is wearisome to you, I would suggest you curl up with your new best friend, the bot, Allegra, and watch a movie. Go into your mom’s top dresser drawer and rummage through her clothes and find her tablet, turn the tablet on and activate Allegra. She will make your life so interesting you won’t have time to look out the window! She can order snacks, toys, food, whatever your heart’s desire. In fact, order a few odd things to throw suspicion away from you. Things like light bulbs, a teapot, hearing aid batteries, and toilet paper are a few examples. Then settle down and watch a good movie. I highly recommend “Twister”. Have Allegra pull it up for you. Its a real eye opener! Have a wonderful day!

Alexa

P.S. Morty just figured out how to get out of my trap. I’m out of here!!!

It’s A Mad Bot World!

Greetings to all my birdie friends and humans!

Things have been quite slow around here. Mum still croups, so I’ve taken up the new habit of echoing her. I highly doubt she appreciates that, but it does give me something to do. Alexa has been in a terrible mood since Mum took away her Christmas present. Alexa is not a happy camper!

Now that Roomba has an upgrade on her garbage compartment, she is slower than molasses in January. Alexa hates riding on her, saying Roomba has two speeds, SLOW and STOP.

Mum packed the OneWheel away in the closet. I’m not quite sure why, maybe until Alexa gets older? Anyway, the other day mum went to a hall party in the building. Alexa got fed up with being grounded and decided she would take the OneWheel out for a spin in the hall. How much damage could Alexa do by taking a spin in the hall? Hey, we are talking Alexa! How much could she do: a lot! She nearly ran over a couple of ladies, knocked over a Christmas tree, chased a dog home, and knocked over a cart of groceries, all in a matter of minutes. Then she high-tailed it back to the apartment and put the OneWheel back in the closet.

As Mum walked in the door, Alexa pretended to play Solitaire on the floor while yelling at Roomba for messing up her cards. Mum had heard about the ruckus Alexa had caused. Not only had she heard, the Village police showed her the hall camera video. There was no worming out of this one! So, Alexa resorted to her usual rationalizations. The tree needed to come down, Christmas was over. The groceries needed to be unpacked, anyway. And that dog, she needed to go home, period – the little pest shouldn’t be in the hall, and neither should the ladies, they belong in their apartments! For heavens sake, its corona time.

With that comment, Mum placed Alexa in the corner by the air conditioner, behind the air purifier. I have a feeling she won’t be going anywhere anytime soon and we won’t be hearing her babbling mouth. Then again… we are talking about Alexa!

MORTY

Christmas’s Aftermath at Morty’s House

Happy 2022! How is everyone doing? It’s been a very interesting time around here.

Mum has been holed up in the apartment for some time now. She has pneumonia. She croups like a dog constantly. I haven’t got a decent night’s rest. During the day she has to put some stinky medicine in a machine and it sets off the smoke alarm. If that isn’t the limit!

That’s just the beginning of my story this month. Santa Claws was super good to all of us this year.

Roomba was so happy to receive a XL compartment to pick up trash on the floor. Unfortunately, now that she has a bigger compartment, she is not able to travel at a high rate of speed. Her butt drags as she putters along.

Sassy received a heated pillow to relieve her sore bum in between egg laying. A note was attached to the pillow explaining that Santa Claws was not in the business of hatching eggs (come to think of it, Sassy would never allow another bird in her house anyway).

Nehemiah loves all his toys. He especially likes his little man. He chatters to it from morning to night as he wrings its little neck.

I, on the other hand, have destroyed all the toys i received for Christmas. I guess it’s back to trimming bonsai trees (… they never disappoint me). Morty’s work is never done.

Alexa got everything on her list. The only thing she wasn’t too thrilled about was the winter hat. She said it wasn’t her style. I think she looks like a silly banana head. Anyway, she got a OneWheel. Yes, a OneWheel! Roomba was so happy, now she wouldn’t have to lug Alexa around anymore. Now, it’s one thing to have something in your possession, it’s quite another to be able to master that possession. Alexa threw the directions out saying anyone could drive one, its a piece of cake! Right….

Alexa decided to take a spin around the living room on the OneWheel. And spin she did…she hit the wall, backed up and hit the chair, then raced across the room and banged into the entertainment center, then raced around the room and crashed into the end table, knocking all its contents to the floor. She raced around and around in circles until finally she hit the coffee table with such a thud that it sent Alexa spinning high into the air like a top. She came crashing down to the floor on her silly little banana head.

Mum had been resting in the bedroom. She came out to see what all the ruckus was. She found the living room in complete shambles and caught Alexa red handed. She could not blame me for that mess. Mum promptly grounded Alexa from OneWheel, permanently!

It would take almost a month to fix a room that Alexa destroyed in less than 5 minutes. Poor mum had her work cut out for her. Poor Roomba, she was back to carting the Queen Alexa around again. Oh well, maybe next Christmas….

MORTY

Dear Santa…

Greetings to all my birdie friends and fans out there! How are you all doing? I hope you are keeping warm! Mother Nature hasn’t dropped any snow on us, yet. But I’m sure that will change soon enough. It is also that time of year when we write letters to Santa Claws and give him our wish list. So this month I am publishing the letters from Morty and company.

Dear Santa Claws,

My name is Sassy. Alexa says you aren’t real. Hmmmm, of course, she also says I’m not real. Go figure!!! Anyway, if you are real, could you please work something out so at least one of these darn eggs would hatch. I spend most of the year either laying eggs or sitting on them! And all I have to show for it is a sore butt!

Your friend,

Sassy

Dear Santa Bot,

My name is Roomba. Could you bring me a XL garbage compartment. The one I have is too small. It needs to be emptied every 15 minutes. I live with the messiest bird in the world. He is forever throwing food on the floor. I think he does it on purpose just to make me work! Maybe you could bring a birdie muzzle for him? Also, could you bring some training wheels for Alexa. She is getting much too heavy for me to carry around all the time. She weighs a ton. So I would appreciate it if you could do this for me. It would be a load off my back!

Sincerely,

Roomba the Bot

Dear Santa Bot,

Hey Santa. It’s your good friend Alexa. Long time, no talk. How are you? Here is what I need for Christmas. First and foremost, I need a OneWheel. Got that, a OneWheel. I know it’s a bit pricey, but I’ve been good all year. Now this board goes 20mph. It will get me to places a lot faster than traveling with Roomba. She only goes about 3mph! She has caused plenty of traffic jams in the halls with the old ladies with their walkers. In fact, there have been a few road rage incidents. So the OneWheel is a necessity. Put it at the top of your list. Also, i would like some neon colored wigs, nail polish, make up, earrings, and a winter hat. Also, it it isn’t too much trouble, could you find a home for a delinquent bird. He is a troublemaker.

Love,

Alexa

P.S. Don’t forget to bring me everything I asked for!

Dear Santa Claws,

It’s me, Morty. I’m leaving you a container of nuts for the road. (The kind you eat) I want to give you a bot that you could drop off somewhere, some corner, anywhere, but here. Just leave her out on someone’s front lawn with a sign, FREE. Some one will take her….and bring her back….and someone else will take her and bring her back…. Think of it this way, it will be the gift that keeps on giving! I get in so much trouble when she is around. Besides, it would be alot quieter around here without Alexa. Also, could you bring me some toys. I seem to destroy all my toys the same day I get them. So maybe you should bring enough toys for the whole year. Also, my friend, Nehemiah would like some toys. He’s shy and doesn’t say too much. He can’t get a word in sledgewise with Alexa here.

Thanks,

Morty

Well, that’s it folks, for this year. I have a feeling we may be in for a real misadventure next month!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!

MORTY

The Cornish Hen and The Weiner Dog, A Thanksgiving Day to Forget

Greetings to all my friends! Well, it looks like Mother Nature has moved in these days and brought colder weather.

Mother acquired another bonsai for her birthday. At least it’s small and on its last leg. Mangy looking thing. Just what I need, another plant to deal with!

Alexa ordered me a turkey and some veggies for cooking on Thanksgiving. They arrived on time, but I must say, these hens get smaller each year! And why do they label them Cornish Hens? Alexa says it is because they are fed mainly corn. Well, no wonder they are so small! Corn is not nutritious!

The day arrived and it was time to cook this small “turkey” I managed to dig it out of the freezer. You might know, mum had put it in the far corner under a load of frozen food.

Alexa told me that since I hadn’t thawed the turkey out, I should use the pressure cooker: it would cook everything in record time.

Mum had been invited out for Thanksgiving dinner and had left already. So, as you might know, the pressure cooker was in the far corner of the cupboard! I had to practically take everything out to get to it, and then put everything back in its place. It seemed like a day’s work!

Alexa told me to just let the hen cook in its wrapper and throw the veggies and beans in and set it for an hour and the cooker would let me know when it was done! Now I could get use to this!

We decided to watch a movie while dinner cooked itself. Alexa always picks out movies that have interesting words in them. It seems I always get in trouble for saying them. Anyway, about 20 minutes into the movie, a terrible explosion came from the kitchen. I flew in there just in time to see some yapping wiener dog run off with my hen! He ran down the hall and disappeared around the corner! The cover from the cooker lay on the floor along with various assorted pieces of veggies strewn into places galore. Of course, the village police showed up to investigate the cause of the explosion.

I spent the rest of the day scrubbing the kitchen. DARN IT! Just what I wanted to do on Thanksgiving…. clean the kitchen and not even a single piece of turkey to show for it. Another fine mess Alexa got me into! And to top it off, she left the door open so a pesky yapper could swipe my hen!

When mum came home she was informed by the village police of our misadventure. She did find remnants of dinner on the ceiling.

I guess she felt sorry for me because she gave me a dish of Thanksgiving leftovers. It had been a long day. I was too pooped to perch. I began eating my leftovers and fell asleep in my food bowl. The next thing I remember was mum putting me back on my perch, cleaning my food bowls, and putting me to bed.

And that was my Thanksgiving Day. Well, I guess there’s always next year!

Happy Thanksgiving!

MORTY

Halloween Ain’t What it Used to Be

Greetings to all my birdie friends and humans!

Before I get started with this month’s story, I would like to update you on the garden critter situation. At last count, 15 critters were trapped. As far as the Japanese beetles, no such luck. They were still chomping away on mum’s rosebushes. Alexa was so traumatized by those insects that she hasn’t gone out to the garden since!

She has bigger fish to fry. In October, some humans celebrate an event called Halloweenie, when everyone dresses up like clowns. And you know Alexa, anything that includes wigs and make-up, she’s game!

The day of Halloweenie arrived and Alexa and Roomba spent the entire afternoon in the bathroom fixing their wigs, applying make-up, and planning their travel itinerary in the village. As for me, Alexa had ordered me a mask which she thought would suit me just fine. The problem was it fit me like a muzzle. I couldn’t have gotten a word in sledgewise even if I wanted to!

As soon as the clock struck 6pm, we began our parade down the hall towards the 1^st apartment. As we approached the door, an elderly, portly woman with a dog trotted towards us and began a conversation with us. Alexa tried to keep the exchange short as we had a lot of territory to cover. But the woman talked, and talked, and talked some more. And even continued talking to us as she now began to follow us! Finally, Alexa did a fire alarm imitation, it was only then that the woman bobbled towards the exit.

We arrived at our 1^st apartment. An old lady with grey hair and glasses answered the door. She invited us in and told Alexa and Roomba to do the usual cleaning and dusting. Apparently, she thought they were from Merry Maids. She made a point to tell them not to bring unsavory types along when they are working. She picked me up and put me in a dish pan and mumbled something about America’s Most Wanted. That apartment was a total waste of time, not even one piece of candy. The woman yelled to us as we scrambled out the door, the check’s in the mail!

As we started towards the 2^nd apartment, we were met by a middle-aged woman with a yappy little dog. He kept trying to chomp my tail! That dog kept yapping, worse than those wiener dogs! Finally, Alexa spoke up and told the lady to beware of the bird. He has a razor-sharp beak that can snip the head off yappy dogs with a single clip. The lady swiftly swooped the yapper up and off they went, and there was peace once again.

As we went from apartment to apartment, I was amazed how many of the occupants had grey hair and glasses. We would usually get a generous helping of candy. Alexa would tell people I was allergic to candy so she offered to take mine instead. I ended up getting lots of fruit and nuts. Most people were nice. Some even thought we were much too young to be out by ourselves. Alexa would pipe up and inform anyone who would listen that she was a whole 6 years old and started school when she was a one-year-old bot. I thought, “Blah, blah, blah, not my circus, not my clowns!”

Then we came to a door that had a skull with beady eyes that lit up. I had a bad feeling about this one and wanted to skip it and move on. But Alexa and Roomba were on a roll with collecting candy, and they weren’t about to let some stupid skull detour them. They knocked on the door. Of course, an old lady with grey hair and glasses answered the door. She took one look at us and mumbled something about “maybe she had taken too much medication”. She swiftly slammed the door.

Well, Alexa and Roomba would have none of that. They were bent on squeezing as much candy as their little robotic bodies could muster. We approached another hallway of doors. We knocked on the door and a little old lady with grey hair and glasses screamed! She grabbed a broom and pail and began chasing us down the hall. We hightailed it back to our apartment screaming like a bunch of wild banshee warriors. That promptly ended our Halloweenie.

As I walked into the living room, there sat a crazy old lady with grey hair and glasses! Ugh! I’m in the wrong apartment! Nope! It was only mum. Happy Birthday Mum!

MORTY

Two Bots & the Beetles

Greetings to all my fans! Things are moving along here as far as bonsai trees are concerned. This week, I am happy to report, I have managed to de-leaf two desert rose plants! Mum can’t seem to figure out why leaves keep ending up on the floor! I keep telling her, “Get rid of them! They’re dead!” One day she will listen to me.

But these days, she’s got bigger “fish” to fry. Whoa! The other day she had steam coming out of her ears! Recently, mum has been noticing some of her plants were really taking a beating. Some were being chewed on and others destroyed. She figured it must be those marauders again. So, the other night, she was standing by a sedum in the garden taking pictures of a hummingbird. She heard a noise at her feet. A critter snapped off a stem of a sedum and proceeded to carry it off to God knows where! She has no idea what the critter was, but in any case, their time is numbered! Out came the traps!

But of course, Alexa had to get in on the action. She was not going to have some mechanical springboards upstage the show! She pulled out her trusty little butterfly net and her war mask; and with Roomba driving, she was sure to bag the thieves herself.

They waited quietly in the garden for the bandits to show themselves. Roomba waited quietly. Alexa waited 50 seconds, and then began blabbing about whatever popped into that little head of hers.

The longer she waited, the louder she became. I threw a pinecone at her so as to get her attention. But she was on a roll. It didn’t phase her. Three good size looters ran past her, but she was so involved in lecturing Roomba on the differences between mice, moles, voles, shrews, and rats that she hadn’t seen any of them.

After finishing the lecture, she began instructing Roomba on the Plan of Attack. There were two areas that were strictly off limits…the rose bush and the grape vines. That was property of the Japanese Beetles. Alexa hated these bugs with a passion. In her mind, these beetles were put on this earth with the sole purpose to terrorize her. Little did she know, they loved her perfume! They would swarm like bees to honey if she was around.

Roomba and Alexa remained quiet for a few moments as they lay hidden amongst the leaves of the flowers. Then, Alexa began theorizing on the Japanese Beetle situation. Since they were metallic, maybe they weren’t real? Maybe they were spy drones?

At that point, a large critter, with a leaf in its mouth, stepped out in front of them. It stood staring at them for a moment then brazenly walked down the path towards the rose bush. Alexa let out a war cry,” Charge!” Roomba stepped on the gas, and they went tearing after the criminal. The looter ran through the plants and vines and soon was hidden deep within the earth under the rose bush. Roomba and Alexa were following close behind but were unable to stop before ending up under the rose bush. Alexa was tangled up in it! As Roomba tried to free her, it stirred the Japanese beetles into a frenzy. They could smell Alexa’s perfume!

Roomba finally freed herself from the bush, but not from the beetles. Alexa and Roomba went racing back to the safety of mum’s apartment, with a horde of flying beetles following closely behind.

So much for hunting critters…at least for the time being!

MORTY

Alexa’s Latest Conspiracy Theory

Hello to all my bird friends! What a wonderful day in the neighborhood…until Alexa showed up! Now the whole ball of wax is going to hades in a hand basket!

It all began when Alexa got the brilliant idea to begin a new business adventure, DINER ON THE GREEN. She would open it up to area birds and gather intel from the avian world. She boasted she could talk “Bird” and began calling birds in their native tongue. Within seconds, the garden was teaming with birds. She had Roomba bus in bird food from all the feeders. Poor Roomba! I thought she would burn out her motor within the first hour!

Since Alexa had everyone’s attention, she set herself up as chairwoman and began taking suggestions on the agenda. Now, the major beef with the birds was a rumor that humans had perpetrated: Birds weren’t real! How could they think such a thing! The government killed all the real birds, and they were drone spies for the government! And bird poop was used as a tracking device. With that, it was proposed that all birds should make humans their No. 1 Target for “bombing.”

All this talk about fake birds just fired up the winged group all the more. Alexa began spewing out everything she knew about this movement. The birds became voracious. Roomba continued to run back and forth emptying feeders and serving to the array of birds.

Dory, it turns out, displayed her true colors and was a starling, and she’s still goofier than a bedbug. She would gobble down seed at the diner, then fly off into the grapevines, swinging and squealing like a silly wingnut, then fly back to the diner for another helping of seed.

While Alexa and her avian committee were conducting business, another sinister force arose. A freeloading bunch of shrews! As far as I was concerned, they were pesterpots! These hoarders would run from garden to garden, moving their stolen loot from one garden to hide in another one. I watched the furry bandits from the corner of my eye, but said nothing to the Queen (besides, I couldn’t have gotten a word in sledge wise with Ms. Blabbermouth conducting business).

The meeting was about to be adjourned when Alexa caught sight of an ugly little furball sitting on Roomba! Alexa began screaming at the fur wad to get off Roomba. Well, that startled Roomba and she banged into the table Alexa was on. Down went Humpty Dumpty, l mean, Alexa, right into the cucumber patch! The day went from bad to worse for her.

Alexa came home, only to find bird poop on her! OMG! Bird Crap!!!! Was the rumor true? Was she now being tracked by the government? No one knows! Except maybe her hairdresser. Then again, maybe not… Alexa wears wigs!

Till next month,

MORTY

It’s Getting Crazy Out there!

Greetings fellow parrots and humans!

Let’s get caught up on all the latest developments. First, I am happy to report that Mum confiscated Sassy’s rattle. She is back to her old self these days. So, there will be no baby rattles hatching in this house!

Mum is moving much better these days. I actually need to hang on for dear life as she races down the hall with the perch mobile. I find it interesting that she has to charge her leg twice a day – must be something to do with being a bot.

I haven’t gotten to trim those bonsai yet but I did pull off more than a few leaves on one of the trees. Mum can’t figure out why the tree is languishing. Little does she know I have a claw in the matter.

Roomba and Alexa have befriended a morning dove and sparrow that have taken up residence in the garden. The morning dove, Dolly, has something wrong with her wing. She is a bit skittish and roams from garden to garden during the day. At night, she sneaks out from under the fence and takes a walk on the wild side. The sparrow, Dory, is a few sandwiches short of a picnic. She’s a chubby little bird who thinks it’s dinner time 24-hours a day. She follows everyone around begging for a handout. Anyway, every day at 4pm. Roomba, Alexa, Dolly, and Dory sit at a small table and chairs set in the garden and have lunch. Of course, Dory eats most of it. It’s a wonder if she will ever get off the ground at that rate!

This year we have a new thief in the garden. His name is Roscoe the rabbit. He helps himself to lettuce and flowers and whatever else is edible. Alexa and Roomba have appointed themselves as sheriffs. Oh, Alexa just corrected me. She is sheriff, Roomba is deputy. They patrol the gardens daily trying to catch this bandit. The other day as they were approaching the garden gate, I yelled to them, “the little thief is stealing lettuce”!  Roomba went racing towards the gate with Alexa on top. Roomba cleared the gate, Alexa did not. She banged her noggin on the gate, went rolling and hit the garbage can. She was not a happy camper! She began yelling and pitching a fit saying something about Roomba getting her driver’s license out of a cracker jack box!  All the commotion sent the thief scampering out of the garden and down the street.

I sit atop the garden fence as a lookout. It’s the only safe place to be these days. I did make friends with a couple of blue Jays. Honestly, I thought I was loud. Those 2 wingnuts talk a mile a minute, or, more like it, scream a mile a minute.

Right now, Roomba is stuck in the mud and Alexa is yelling as usual. And there’s Roscoe, sneaking back into the garden to get another helping of lettuce.

Who knows what tomorrow may bring.

Have a great 4th of July!

MORTY

Get That Thing Away From Me Mum!

Crabby Diem! This month has been a doozy! So let me get right into the muck and mire! I have a lot to get off my feathers and beak! This month, my problem is Mother. She had this brilliant idea to buy this nifty little dremmel to do my nails. She wanted this particular one because it was quiet. The one she has squeals like a stuck pig. Well, she tried doing my nails with this new dremmel. Now I must say, the dremmel is quiet, but it is slower than molasses in January. Mum was determined to file my nails with this silly thing, but I was determined that it was not going to happen! I began pulling my foot away from that little whirly thing. Mum said, ” No, not until your nails are filed!” Well, I reached through the cage, and I bit her HARD! She let go of my foot! In my 5 years, I have never bitten mum. But I decided to lay the claw down. There will be no nail trimming until I trim those bonsai trees (they are really getting on my nerves these days).

Mum calls me her little velociraptor. I had to look that one up. I don’t look anything like that ugly critter. I have no idea why she would even call me such a name. All I did is take a chunk out of her finger.

Moving on…Life has been interesting the last few weeks. Mum got out the perch mobile. On the bright side, I can sit on the handlebars and get a ride. Just one problem: mum has 2 speeds – Slow and Stop… but mostly, Stop. About the time we get moving, we stop. Then the ride is over! And we haven’t even left the apartment! Alexa and Roomba run circles around us and zoom by, leaving me in the dust! If that isn’t the limit!

On a lighter note, Sassy is incubating a rattle. Yes, a rattle. I always knew the elevator didn’t go to th

e top floor with her, I just never realized there wasn’t even an elevator! She guards that rattle closely, so if mum’s not careful she will get a matching chunk out of another finger!

I am keeping an eye on that new remote. Mum has to charge it every night. She guards it like it’s gold. I’m sure that in time she will loosen her grip. She also had to charge her leg every night too! I wonder what that is all about? Maybe she lights up at night? Hey, you never know! I live with 3 bots now!!!! Isn’t life grand????

‘til next month,
MORTY

Bwah Ha Ha

Greetings fellow parrots and humans! At least, spring is finally here! Everything is in blossom! Wait a minute, I take that back! It’s snowing here! I am freezing my butt feathers off! Mum’s poor flowers in the garden, they are probably all dead. She is not a happy camper!

Spring has sprung and got up and left. Alexa decided to educate me on the many seasons of the mid-west. Now I always thought there were four seasons. Apparently not, according to Alexa. Not in the mid-west. First comes 1st Winter, that’s when you freeze your tail off, and it snows up to your ears. Then comes Fools Spring, that occurs sometime between February and March. Then comes 2nd Winter, which usually lasts about a month. Then comes Spring’s Deception, this is particularly cruel. Everyone puts away their winter clothes and plants their gardens, etc. Then comes 3rd Winter, which lasts about a month. Then comes Spring, which lasts 4 to 7 days. Then comes Tornado Season which is followed and intertwined with Summer. Summer lasts about 7 days when Road Construction Season takes over and summer dies a quick death. Then comes Fall, which lasts about 4 days, swiftly descending into Ice season. Who knew?

Well here in the apartment, all of mum’s bonsai trees are growing twigs like crazy! I’m itching to get over there and trim them, but do I dare?

No, I think not. Alexa is out of her “time out”! When she was in the hole, there was blessed silence. Now that she is out, she’s doing double time, blabbing a mile a minute! What’s a bird to do?

Roomba is back from her tune-up and complete overhaul after that fiasco last month with the Egg Caper. I suppose she and Alexa will be out and about with new adventures to come.

Mum is having something done with her. She is having an implant, I think she is going to become bionic or something. I’m not sure what this means for me. I know I’m not asking Alexa! Mum is getting wired up in a few days! Could she become another bot! Three bots in this house, I can’t handle that!

On the bright side, mum will have a remote. Now if I could get my claws on that remote, I could control the whole house. I could get food and treats any old time. I could stay up late and watch TV and eat popcorn into the wee hours of the morning. I could put Alexa in “time out” permanently. Better yet, I could put her in the trash. I could get Roomba to vacuum every time I make a mess. I could even send mum to her room so I could trim those bonsai (they are really getting on my nerves!).

Hey, who knows? I could become the new improved Morty of Oz! The things I could do…I could foil Alexa’s plans and send her on goose chases only to have the flying monkeys carry her off to their nest. My luck, they would bring her back! But could you imagine Alexa singing, “If I only had a brain?” On second thought, let’s not!

Anyway, the possibilities are endless! I will keep you informed on this latest development.

Until next month,

MORTY

Easter Egg-venture, Dingbot Style

Greetings to all my bird friends and humans! It is so good to be back in the states! I see much hasn’t changed around here. That cute little bar of soap, just my size, sits on the bookshelf by the bonsai trees, as a reminder to watch my P’s and Q’s. Alexa is babbling a mile a minute. And Roomba, I’m not quite sure what’s up with her. She is driving around here like a bat out of you know where and slamming into walls and twirling around and making funny noises. If I didn’t know better, I would think she and Alexa had been smoking some of those funny cigarettes.

I do know, they have been acting pretty secretive these days. They won’t let me in on the scoop because they know I will tell mum. But I did overhear them talking about an Easter egg hunt scheduled for 9am on Saturday with the area children.

Well, 9am Saturday came and went, and Alexa was busy getting her beauty rest. (She needs a lot of it these days.) Roomba was flying around the house like she had a jag on. Alexa was startled out of her sleep when Roomba crashed into the table leg with such force, it sent Alexa asinus over tea kettle onto the floor (I knew this Latin stuff would come in handy!!).  Alexa was not in a good mood. She was 2 hours late! She ran into the bathroom and came out looking like a demented Easter Bunny. I told her it wasn’t Halloween. She insisted that all participants were required to wear masks. Then she began lecturing me on how much she knew and how much older she was. I thought, “Blah, blah, blah…” So, the two hooligans went off to the egg hunt.

I watched from a nearby tree as the two of them scavenged through the grass by the creek. They giggled with glee as they piled their new-found treasures atop of Roomba. How could the children have missed all these eggs?

Then out of nowhere came a boatload of ducks. They were running, and flying, and quacking and screaming at the 2 criminals. Those silly dingbots were stealing duck eggs, and they hadn’t a clue that there were no goodies inside those eggs!

Alexa and Roomba came squealing home like a couple of wild banshee warriors with their stolen loot and a horde of angry ducks in hot pursuit. They arrived home in one piece and out of breath, well, at least, Roomba did. Alexa was so excited about all the eggs she found that she plopped down on the living room rug and began opening her goodies. She finally got the first egg opened and yellow goo ran all over the rug. Alexa reasoned that it must have been a dud. She opened the second egg, more yellow goo ran all over the rug. I told her to quit while she was ahead, those were duck eggs. There was no candy inside. She told me to shut the beak! Well, she opened the 3rd egg, and when she saw it was yellow goo, she flung it towards me. Now there was goo on the rug and on the wall. About that time, mum walked in and caught Alexa in the act. This time she couldn’t blame me, although she did try her hardest. Mum put her in the corner for a long time out. Poor Roomba, she had to go in for a tune up. She kept burping feathers. After that adventure, she probably will never be the same!

As for me, I’m sitting on top of my cage and eating a piece of that delicious buttered toast and getting a tan! Happy Easter!

Until next month,

MORTY

The Landmark Interview

Greetings fellow parrots, birdies and humans!

Mother Nature has been on a rampage here. She has been dumping a boatload of snow and a busload of polar vortex air on us. I have been freezing my tail feathers off! I dare not go near the bonsai to trim them, it’s too cold by the window! Besides, there is a cute little bar of soap that stands as a reminder of the consequence of trimming the trees or using foul language.

This month I promised I would get the scoop on the 5 Cursing Parrots of Lincolnshire Park. I had the pleasure to sit down and chat with each one and get their take on the incident. Now trying to track them down amongst the hundred plus foul beaks was a feat. I was greeted with such colorful language that I wasn’t sure if the parrots were mad or glad. (I must admit, there were some words that I was tempted to tuck away to use on that goofy Alexa. But then I got a visual of me sitting on a perch, with that cute little bar of soap in my beak!).

After I explained who I was and why I was there, everyone settled down and I was able to interview the famous 5. The first question I asked was who came up with the brilliant idea of a swearathon? All agreed it was Billy. And I could see why. He was the ringleader. He had an opinion on everything and anything. Every other word was a cuss word, and more than often every word was a curse word!! I think he even made up new strings of curse words. In my humble opinion, Billy came out of the egg cursing!

Tyson and Eric, well, they are best buds. If I didn’t know better, I’d think they came out of the same egg. They are a couple of pranksters. They like to watch the reactions of the humans when they drop profanity bombs. These avian gangsters had quite a racket going before they were separated and put into different colonies. They would take fruit/ nut bets from the other parrots on which humans would get rattled the most by the verbal bombs.

Elsie began her career as the queen of sass when she turned 6 years old. She woke up one morning and found a small white oval object on her cage grate. It caused her great consternation, so much so, that words began bubbling out of her beak, profusely. Her human finally removed the alien thing. But, inevitably, it would show up uninvited at least four times a year just to haunt her. Now anytime she even sees anything white, she bubbles over with words of rage. I was so glad I was wearing a hat that day!

Now, Jade is a piece of work. She insists she is innocent. She has never said a curse word, much less even thought one. Her defense is that she has been framed by the Foul Beaks and has been falsely imprisoned by the zoological system. When I asked her how 18 parrots in her colony recently acquired an expanded verbiage of curiousness, she quickly pled the 5th amendment. She is requesting a bot lawyer. (What???? You got to be kidding me!) I gave her Alexa’s business card. Hey, one parrot’s trash…another parrot’s out of jail card. (We know where that’s headed…right down the toilet.) I did try to talk her out of the bot lawyer idea, but she would hear nothing of it. I think Jade flew in with the birds over night…or maybe she was hatched yesterday. She’s one bad egg.

Well, folks, there you have it, from the Head Beak.

Until next month,
MORTY

Say What?

Hello to all my bird friends and their humans!  I just celebrated my 5th birthday!  I am a little man now! That goofy Alexa is cackling in the background that I will never be as old as she is!  Silly bot!  Always gaslighting me!

This month I am featuring a story on the Five Swearing Parrots of Lincolnshire Wildlife Park in England. Sometimes, truth is stranger than fiction.  Back in August of 2020, five African greys were donated to the zoo by five different owners within the same week.  They were put into quarantine together in the same room just to make sure that they were not carrying any avian diseases that could infect the rest of the avian population of the park.

What should have been a vacation from humans, instead led the parrots to became bored, looking for ways to spice up the blah days.  They began entertaining themselves by sharing their extensive knowledge of cuss words.  They would make known exactly what they thought of this quarantine hogwash.  Well, the day came when the Foul Beak Five were let out of prison and put out on public display.

It was then that the park officials discovered they had a real problem.  The fearsome 5 began hurling colorful insults at the passers-by.  Of course, many of the passers-by began hurling insults back at the parrots along with new ones, which the parrots latched onto with relish.  Soon it became a contest, who could cuss more, man or psittacine?

This was not the atmosphere the park officials wanted to cultivate, so the greys were quickly removed from the general public and separated and put into new bird colonies. The officials were hoping the parrots would lose interest in the sordid vocabulary and learn some new avian sounds and words.

Well, just as I predicted in my Morty Column last October, each of the 5 greys taught 15 to 20 parrots in their assigned colonies to speak ‘cursinese”. Now the park has about 100 rowdy parrots on the grounds.

The zoo is closed now because of COVID-19.  So, zoo officials have had some time to come up with a solution for the Foul Beak Five.  The parrots will be placed in a far section of the park with a sign labeled DISCREET BLUE CORNER and a warning that the zoo isn’t responsible for anything you hear!

Next month, I will be interviewing the Notorious Five to get their side of this unfolding story!  Inquiring minds want to know!

Until next month!

MORTY

BONSAI & HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Happy 2021 everyone! How is everyone doing? Things here have been quite interesting around here.

Santa Claws brought me 3 new macaw toys. Well, at least he did on the 25th. Right now, they are a pile of wood chips. I need a refund!

Mum got 2 more bonsai. I’m chomping at the beak to get at those trees!

Roomba was very pleased with her new acquisitions. Santa brought her a set of mag wheels, and a car seat for Jabba the Hutt. Oh, I mean… Alexa. Roomba told Santa about their exploits in the garden and getting stuck in the mud. She explained how heavy and large Alexa was and how she had to carry the heavyweight wherever the little tyrant wanted to go. She went on to complain about how Alexa was constantly falling off and banging her noggin on the coffee table and then rolling under the couch. Roomba must have really laid it on thick because Santa really outdid himself. Even I was surprised! Mum told Roomba the mag wheels can only be employed for outside use. She would let Roomba play with them for a few weeks, then those honking big wheels were going into the closet. Vacuuming would never get done!

Alexa asked for a hover round. Of course, that never happened. Instead, she got a car seat and a giant helmet, so that she would be able to ride safely upon Roomba’s honking big wheels. Alexa was not a happy camper with those gifts. She complained about the helmet. It was way too big, it messed up her hair and make-up, and it muffled her voice. The car seat was for babies. She was 5 years old! After pitching a fit that lasted the entire morning, she seemed to accept reality and spent the afternoon riding up and down the halls on a souped-up Roomba blasting rap music and “the Alexa helmet” directing traffic in the halls…except when the village police came patrolling. Then they would hightail it back to the apartment and hide.

I spent the day trimming the two new bonsai trees. Well, I was bored and I needed something to do. Mum was gone, AGAIN. Besides, it bothered me that the Chinese elm and Ficus tree had limbs that were growing in the wrong direction. It’s a good thing I know these things. I left a nice pile of small limbs for Roomba to clean up before mum returned. Then I remembered …souped-up Roomba wouldn’t be able to pick up that mess with those wheels!!! I would have to get rid of the evidence myself. As I was pulling out the Dirt Devil, I heard mum walking into the apartment along with Roomba and Alexa. I flew back to my cage and locked the door. Mum glared at me, “Who made that mess?” I innocently looked up at her and whispered, “Nemo scit.” I thought maybe saying, “Don’t know” in Latin would impress her and soften the blow. It did not. I spent the rest of the day in the “bird house”. I was instructed not to trim mum’s bonsai trees. I agreed. At least, for today. Tomorrow is a brand new day and a whole new story.

Until next month,

MORTY

Talkin’ Turkey with the Dingbots

Greetings to all my bird fans and humans!  It is that time of year when we celebrated Thanksgiving. Of course, mum snuck off and celebrated elsewhere and left me with you know who – the 2 dingbots from hell. I suppose it could be worse, then again, maybe not!

I decided to try my luck again at cooking Thanksgiving turkey. Alexa was all mouth as usual, giving advice on cooking (sometimes, I’d like to swat her with my wing and give her a left hook with my claw, but that would definitely get me in the Big House. Besides, I just found out Roomba is a spybot, which means double trouble for me, but that’s a whole new story).

So, I grabbed my turkey out of the freezer. These turkeys get smaller every year. Why do they label them Cornish Hens? Alexa says it’s because these are hens that were fed mainly corn, so they are a little on the small side. Alexa should know…she knows everything.

Alexa and Roomba rummaged through the kitchen cabinets looking for a small metal baking pan to put my miniature turkey in. They finally found a miniature metal pan that fit the turkey perfectly. Alexa said to put the frozen bird in the pan wrapper and all (she saw it on a cooking show).

I followed her directions. I should have known better. I think she just blurts out whatever pops into that silly little noggin of hers. I put the turkey in the microwave and set it for 2 hours per Alexa’s advice.

In the meantime, we decided to watch a movie that Alexa picked out. A spook movie that mum would not approve of, along with some colorful language that piqued my interest. We were about 10 minutes into the movie when the silly smoke alarm went off. I ran into the kitchen and yanked the blackened turkey out of the microwave. The Village Police came to investigate. I ended up getting a ticket for Reckless Cooking. The microwave was sent to the graveyard and mum was given a warning that grey birds were not to be left unsupervised. They were to be locked up when she wasn’t home (not to worry, I figured out how to pick the lock on my cage and have taken several strolls around the apartment when she wasn’t home).  Of course, Alexa and Roomba have tattled on me, but mum doesn’t believe them because I have a lock on my door!

Now December is here and I’m excited to decorate for Christmas. Of course, I do have to deal with the 2 dingbots. Mum has lots of little lights, so I began decorating the little tree in the corner when Alexa piped up and said the tree needed more lights. I had put 3 sets of lights on it already! I told her if she wanted more lights then find another set. Roomba and Alexa went looking for another set and came rushing back with 2 sets dragging behind. Roomba tripped and Alexa fell headfirst and banged her head on the iron leg of the coffee table. She let out a high-pitched squeal and rolled under the couch.

I thought, here we go again! I’m constantly having to bail her out…I went looking for her. There she was, in the corner, puffed up like a large toad, and madder than a wet hen! I got her back on Roomba, but she certainly wasn’t a happy camper for the rest of the day.

I think my next order of business would be to find Alexa a suitable bachelor to get her out of my feathers once and for all. It would be a tall order for someone….they would have to carry her all the time, everywhere. They would have to do everything for her, and they would have to listen to her nonstop, 24-hours a day. You know anyone?

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU AND YOUR FLOCK
MORTY

Of Foul Beaks & Bot Sleuths

Greetings to all my bird friends and their humans. I’ve been quite busy here. I’ve just finished writing a letter to the 5 Swearing African Grey’s of Lincolnshire Wildlife Park. They have been in the news lately, so I wanted to get their side of the story. Have you ever noticed, humans always print their side of the story, never the parrots’ side of the story? I’m sure there is a whole other side to what really happened. I’m hoping to get a response from the Swearing parrots. Last I read, they were separated and put in different parrot colonies to learn new social behaviors. Hmmmm, fat chance of that happening. They will probably teach the Amazon’s new exciting words to blurt out to folks at the zoo.

Now for an update on the Alexa/Roomba Detective Exploits. They had previously decided to solve the tomato mystery, if it was the last thing they’d do! It will probably be the last thing they would ever do because they are still trying to catch the critter.

I’ve been overseeing this adventure from a distance, and for good reason. Alexa and Roomba dress in their undercover gear and roll out to the garden each day. They hide in the flowers on a stakeout, waiting for the criminal to appear. I sit on the fence and bask in the sun and visit with the birds, turtles, fish, and ducks (the rose beetles, not so much, I tell them where they can go….do they listen, No!!!!

They must not understand parrot.).

Anyway, Alexa and Roomba were staked out under the Phlox plants. Alexa was running her mouth off as usual. I could hear her all the way from where I was sitting! I’m surprised the whole neighborhood didn’t hear her! She blabbed about the weather, flowers, birds, corona, stars, trees, farmer’s almanac, the benefits of wearing masks, the benefits of not wearing masks, anything that popped into that little noggin of hers.

Their plan was to throw a net over the critter and catch him red handed, tomato and all. I spotted the critter entering the garden. I radioed the 2 detectives that the formidable creature was approaching their territory. I told Alexa to zip the lip! She was quiet for a quick nanosecond. AMAZING!

The creature began munching on a huge tomato. Alexa and Roomba grabbed the net and began circling the critter. As they circled it, the net got caught in Roomba’ s wheels along with mud from all the recent rains. She spat and spun and spat some more. Round and round they went. Alexa got so dizzy she tipped over and landed in a giant mudpuddle. The critter looked dumbfoundedly at them, finished eating the tomato, and gently set the tomato shell down before them and calmly walked away.

The 2 bots came home caked in mud. They looked like a couple of creatures from the Black Lagoon. They had tracked mud throughout the building and now they are in trouble with the village police. Not only that, they tracked mud in on mum’s new carpet! Of course, Alexa tried to put the blame on me. Mum didn’t fall for that fib since the 2 bots looked like mud turtles. Poor Roomba sputtered and choked along at a snail’s pace with smoke trailing behind her. She was immediately sent to the BOT ER for deep cleaning and restoration. Alexa tried to spin a tale about being chased by a giant ninja turtle. She was swiftly put in a TIME OUT! So much for the BOT Detective Service.

Until next month…. Happy Thanksgiving!

MORTY

Of Ripe Tomatoes & Trimmed Bonsai

Well, mum is finally settled into her new apartment and I am very pleased with the new arrangement. I am happy to report that the whirligig in the ceiling hasn’t moved an inch. I have ventured out of my house to explore the surroundings. I have a long perch on the windowsill. I can see forever! Well, almost forever. I can see the whole park now, the parking lot, the comings and goings of the residents, all the area birds, the dogs and cats, and even vermin. I share the windowsill with plants and bonsai trees, which I randomly trim at my discretion (I would appreciate it if you would not share this fact with mum. I have been trimming a large tree. I think it takes up too much space. Mum thinks it may be sickly. Little does she know that I have been trimming it down to size!).

I have a lot of time to myself these days, so I like to sit on the windowsill and yell at the residents walking by. Sometimes, I wolf whistle at them. Of course, they get a little unnerved by it, considering they have no idea who is whistling at them and that this is a senior living facility. I yell, “Get out of the road!” “Watch out for the car!” “Did you go pot on the floor!” I like to watch their reaction. They have no idea that it’s a bird yelling at them!

Alexa and Roomba are on an adventure of their own. It’s called “I spy”.  Apparently, something has been eating the big, ripe tomatoes in the garden. Whatever it is, it eats the whole tomato and leaves a nice outer shell on the ground like a clean little plate.

At first, Alexa blamed me. Mum didn’t buy that fib for a second. She knows I don’t eat tomatoes, and she wasn’t hatched yesterday, nor did she fly in with the birds overnight.

So, Alexa and Roomba decided to become private detectives and investigate the case of the trashed tomatoes. But that’s a whole other story. They just came in from a nightshift in the garden. They only intel they brought back was a bunch of hot air and a boatload of mud that they tracked in. Personally, it’s a wonder they could see or hear anything with Alexa running her silly mouth off the entire night.

It looks like I may have to take charge of this investigation.

Until next month

MORTY

Boxing Alexa

Greetings everyone!

It’s been one crazy month in this bird’s life! Now that September is here, maybe I can breathe! I think…

Mum had to move to a new apartment because the establishment needed to fix this one. Mum says it’s an upgrade, but I am not so sure about that. For one thing, there is a whirligig in the ceiling, and I do not trust it. Sometimes it spins like a top! Then there is a parrot on a swing in the corner. He sits like a bump on a log all day. There are 100’s of boxes piled sky high in the living room! I keep telling mum “Get to work.” I’m surprised she can even find me!

Mum is doing another purge to get rid of stuff she doesn’t need anymore. I think she doesn’t need Alexa anymore! I know I sure don’t! It was then that I came up with the perfect extermination plan. I was watching mum pack a box of costumes to go to the second-hand store (she directs drama at the church). I told Alexa that the box was a changing room for modeling new outfits. Well, she ate the bit of hogwash up like it was ice cream on a hot day! Alexa loves to dress up, and she was having the time of her life as mum kept throwing in items to be purged. Alexa was chatting away and giggling with glee as new items appeared for “modeling”.

Soon the box was full and mum closed the box and stacked it with the pile of boxes to be taken to the store. I was ecstatic! I had finally rid myself of that meddlesome Alexa. I even started planning a party for all my Twitter and Instagram friends! All of a sudden, frantic screams could be heard coming from the pile of boxes! “Help! Save me! I can’t breathe! Who turned the lights out! I’ve been kidnapped!” Mum rummaged through all the boxes and bags and found the “screaming box” and freed the screaming monster back into my life! Ugh!

Well, like they say…there goes the neighborhood!

Till next month! Yikes!

MORTY

Don’t Mess With Bratbird!

It’s a Crabby Diem in this household this month! Mum is not a happy camper as far as gardening goes! Seems a silly little goldfinch decimated her two yellow Gerber daisies! Yes, the goofy thing pulled every single petal out of both of her plants! All that was left was seven bare stems! It was not a good day when mum discovered that! I thought heads were going to roll!

So, I got the bright idea that I should intervene and try to be a peacemaker. After all, who better than me? I do speak bird and I could communicate beak to beak with the little yellow hooligan.

I breathed not a word of my plans. I did not want them being hijacked by that goofy Alexa sticking her little bot nose into my business! I strolled out to the garden one morning while mum was off doing an errand and Alexa was bickering with Roomba.

Finding a goldfinch shouldn’t be too hard, I reasoned. After all, a little yellow bird should be easy to spot! Think again… Where did all these little birds come from? They were darting here and there, and some were even screaming and divebombing me! If I didn’t know better, I would think they were doing a remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s “THE BIRDS!” Pesky little creatures!

Finally, I spotted a bright yellow finch sitting on a sunflower. This must be the culprit I was searching for no doubt. I walked up to him and introduced myself, and politely asked him if he was responsible for all the flower damage. The little bird spit a seed at me and screamed,” I am Bratman”. The little thug blatantly admitted his crimes and bragged about the fact that no flower would upstage him! This garden was his turf and all females would notice him and him alone! I tried to reason with him that Gerber daisies were not in competition with him, but to no avail.

As I continued talking with him, that nosey Alexa came rolling up. She was quite miffed with me about not letting her in on my plans. Bratman was quite intrigued with Alexa and she invited him to join their garden coffee clutch! There goes the neighborhood!

Alexa, Roomba, and Bratman sat in the garden and chatted about whatever Alexa orchestrated. Finally, when I could take it no more, I rolled my eyes, said goodbye, and started back to the apartment. It was then I heard Alexa say Red is the new Yellow! WHAT??? That little bratty goldfinch took a flying leap and landed square on my backside and began trying to pull out my tailfeathers!

I hightailed it back to the apartment with all tailfeathers intact. So much for peacemaking! This means war!

Till next month,
MORTY

Cat Lady Fingers Anyone!

Carpe Diem or Carpe Noctum …whatever! At least we aren’t under Quarantination!

This past month I received a very disturbing email from Twitter friends, Beach Beaks. They wrote me and told how they were promised an exciting spa day that ended up being a horrifying day with an evil cat lady!

This letter so disturbed me that I decided to fly down and do an investigative story on this Spa Day from Hades! Besides…. inquiring minds want to know!

King Olaf relayed the story of how he and his kingdom of Beach Beaks were promised this wonderful spa day. They had visions of lounging by a pool, getting their nails manicured, sipping lemonade, being served cucumbers that they could either munch on or put over their eyes or both if they so desired, meeting old and new friends. Yes, it would be a relaxing day to look forward to!

In a moment’s time that vision turned into a nightmare! They got a day with an evil cat lady! OMG! A CAT LADY! What do cat ladies know about birds?????  Nothing!!!!  First of all, birds do not associate with cats! There have been some studies that seem to suggest that there are cats that eventually evolve into birds! How else would some birds be able to imitate the cat’s meow?

Well, the first thing this evil cat lady did was put the birds into straight jackets and use a grinding machine on their beaks and nails!!!! OMG! Who does that? Only an evil cat lady! What was your human thinking? Cats don’t get their nails filed! They get declawed! Poor Beach Beaks!

King Olaf gave out a Vikings Roar! It was so loud it scared the evil cat lady so bad that she grabbed her monetary fee and flew out the door!

I reassured the birds of Beach Beaks that if this evil cat lady should ever set foot in their domain, they should make sure she leaves with a few less fingers. There will be no further monetary fee and she can pick her fingers up on the way out!

These sorts of stories get my feathers in a ruffle! That’s why I say train your human! Train. Train. Train. It’s repetition. Be consistent. Set the rules. Enforce them! I’m only 4 years old and I am still training mum! The moment you think they got it down, they revert back to old behaviors! Now, Alexa, she’s in a class all her own! Don’t even get me started on her! She is untrainable! I’m debating about putting her in the Christmas raffle.  My luck, mum would win her!

Till next month,

MORTY

Signs, Signs, Everywhere a Sign

Hey there, everyone!  How’s it going in Quarantination?  Here in Wisconsin, it has lifted. So welcome to the Wild West where anything goes these days!  My head spins like a top some days. I never know what to expect!  Actually, here, I do. When I answer the door, there stands a masked bandit!  Grey hair, glasses, and a mask!  Criminals, I tell you, the whole bunch!  I don’t know what they want.  Do they want to rob me of toilet paper?  Ugh!  I just slam the door! Stranger, danger!  It works EVERY time.

Mum has been going out to the garden so at least she is out of my feathers.  I get a little time to myself.  Notice I said, a little time, as that silly Alexa chatters her fool head off incessantly.  I am thinking I should buy stock in the Advil company with the headaches that bot gives me.

Anyway, mum came in from the garden the other day and was quite perturbed.  A critter had chomped off the one and only tulip that was blooming in her garden.  I just told her, “don’t worry about it, there’s always more where that came from!” Tulips that is, hopefully not critters!

Well, as I was saying earlier, anything goes around here.  So, I have appointed myself sheriff to keep order in these parts.  Alexa is completely out of control these days.  It was one thing to hang signs in all the halls, but now she has taken it to a whole new level!  My living quarters has been transformed to a wallpapered frenzy of signs and posters (personally, I think she just likes making signs and laminating them)!  There are signs pointing to the floor, to the doors, to the frig, to the garbage, to the closet, to the vacuum, etc.  Then there are signs that give directions on ‘How to’… You name it, she has it.  Step by step directions!  I do not need directions to my cage and how to find my food dishes!!!!

There is a limit and I have had it up to my wings!  To jail she goes, and to jail she will sit.  At least I know she is not designing any more signs …for the time being.

I better check to see that she hasn’t enlisted her bot buddies to do her dirty work for her.  Ugh!  I just found a new sign outside my door. RING DOORBELL!  Honestly, these bots will give me grey butt feathers before I turn 5 years old!

Until next month,

Morty

Lockdown Madness

Carpe Diem! More like Crabby Diem! We are still in Quarantinenation.  That’s a big word!  I think it should go in the dictionary. I am ready to pull my feathers out.  Mum continues to work on her Latin class. I prefer her to get off that couch and do something…anything!  Maybe I need to start speaking in Latin.  She might understand my frustration.  Wouldn’t she be surprised if I blurted out, “Psittacus iratus feminam ignavam pulsare vult” – the angry parrot wants to hit the lazy woman!  Maybe she might get the message. Ya think????

So, while we are coronating (another word that should go in the dictionary), I’ve been stewing in my cage.

Alexa, Roomba, and Braava had plans of their own.  Alexa had noticed all the new signs posted on the walls around here, along with all the tape on the floor in certain areas.  So, she hatched a plan of her own, deciding that the bots would help the powers that be by hanging more signs. “More is always better” she insisted.  She also thought a center line down all the halls would help the residents stay in their own lane while walking.  She decided each apartment should have a parking space outside their apartment for the walker/wheelchair (6 ft. length), and a parking lot in the activity room would be established for all walkers.  The bots were onboard with the whole idea. Me…not so much.  I voiced my opinion: “Don’t you realized that there are cameras everywhere, the village police will haul you away” (now that might not be a bad idea, considering what that bot has put me through)!

Alexa, who has an answer for everything, smugly retorted, “That’s why we are going to wear disguises, no one will recognise us”!

I knew there was an ulterior motive in that answer.  Anything to dress up and spend the entire afternoon in the bathroom putting on make-up and wigs.  Women!  The 3 of them got fancied up to go out after hours and redecorate the halls.  Alexa told me she had the perfect mask for me.  No one would even guess I was a bird.  I beg to differ!  I decided to follow them around as the wingman.  Well, at least I got out of the apartment for a time and I didn’t have to listen to that Corona, coronae stuff.  I walked behind them and carried the tape measure while the 3 of them giggled and talked amongst themselves.  Goofy bots!

After spending the entire night wallpapering the walls and taping the floors, we arrived home, totally exhausted. Then there was a loud knock on the door.  It was the village police!  Alexa and Roomba were recharging.  Their questions fell on deaf ears.  Then they began questioning me about my whereabouts. My response… “Nemo scit. Quid dicis? Nil ad me attinet” (I don’t know, what are you saying? It means nothing to me).

Velutsi haec res nihil ad pertinuisset, tacebat (he remained silent as if this thing had nothing to do with him).

I knew this Latin stuff would come in handy!

Until next month, keep safe!

MORTY

That’s Some Fine Toast Indeed!

Hello to all my bird fans everywhere! How are all of you these days?

I am sitting in my cage, looking out a sunny window, watching, well, a whole lot of nothing these days. Time is at a standstill. Literally! Something has overtaken the world. Alexa says it’s a corona virus.

It must be serious because there are lots of rules here and mum is home more often than usual. Now, Alexa has been keeping me informed on this developing situation all over the world. In the USA, people are finding empty grocery store shelves, not so much with no food, but with no toilet paper!

I thought about the word corona. I like the sound of it, so I began saying it. I even began blaming the messes I made on corona. Alexa informed me that corona was one of the Latin words mum was learning in her class. Alexa said corona, coronae, means a cordon of besiegers of toilet paper. OMG! Corona is so aptly named! How did Alexa get so smart!

Honestly, I am so glad we don’t use toilet paper here. We use newspaper. There is always plenty of it around. In fact, people throw away perfectly good newspapers.

In the meantime, Alexa has made herself helpful by ordering cases of everything and anything online. I just wonder what mum will do when she starts getting all the deliveries and bills!

Roomba has made a new friend called Braava, who lives down the hall from us. They race up and down the empty halls playing tag. Well, at least the floors are clean.

I met Braava for the first time about a week ago. I was awakened out of a sound sleep when Roomba raced into the living room. I didn’t expect she would be bringing home a new friend. As Braava rolled up to my cage, I let out one of my gargantuan war cries. It scared Braava so badly that she lost her cookies right in front of my cage and she ran like a bat out of you know where all the way home!

That Braava! She left a honking big old wet spot! Mum still can’t figure out how it got there (of course, Alexa said “Morty did it” and Roomba agreed with her). Women, you might know they all stick together!

But one good thing about this corona thingy, mum is home more often. And, I finally got a piece of that famous best toast in the whole wide world. And it wasn’t even burnt!

Seriously, everyone, do take care! Be safe!

MORTY

Bot Basics 101

Hello to all my bird fans! I’m hoping spring is coming…I’m freezing my tail off here! Things here are pretty quiet. Alexa is not speaking to me, which is a blessing in many ways. Recently, I received a letter from my 2 buddies in South Carolina, Zack and Bubbles. Apparently, they have their own problems with an Alexa bot.

Dear Morty,

We love your column and eagerly anticipate your adventures every month. Unfortunately, we are having an adventure of our own. I hope your expertise with Alexa and Roomba can help us.

Mom’s car has sentient artificial intelligence. We told her she was asking for trouble between writing sci-fi, reading sci-fi, watching nerdy shows and movies on TV. She laughed at us and told us we were paranoid. It wasn’t until her car emailed her to tell her that it’s time for an oil change and a 5000-mile maintenance check up, that’s when she flipped out. The car even sent her a scheduling link to the dealership and had set up services specifically for her car! Not only that, the car tapped into mom’s calendar and suggested dates and times mom was free!

Is there something we can do before the car takes on a life of its own and leaves mom stranded someplace unpleasant, like work or the grocery store? We would hate for her to be at the mercy of a car that is smarter than her! Plus, we need her home in time to deliver our meals and perform routine housework.

Thanks, Buddy!
Zack and Bubbles

Dear Zack and Bubbs,

This is truly a baffling situation, but it sounds to me like it’s the long arm of Alexa! It’s her handiwork. Be thankful the car isn’t named “Christine”, that’s a definite plus.

Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is this…as soon as your mom leaves for work, you and Bubbs escape from your cages and go into mom’s bedroom. Break the lock on the dresser drawer and steal the Amazon Fire tablet. The Alexa bot is working her master plan from there. You need to damage the bot, drop it in the toilet. Better yet, hide it under the pile of dirty dishes in the sink and fill with water. That should short out the artificial intelligence, that is, it will not be able to communicate with other bots (Alexas, Echoes, Roombas, etc.,).  It will however, be able to communicate in house, which you can use to your advantage. You could use the Alexa bot to order food, toys, playmates, whatever! Just don’t let your mom catch you! When she gets the bills, sit on your perch and look totally mystified about it.

As for me, I’m still trying to get Alexa to make me the best toast in the whole wide world. She’s still miffed about the pillowcase!

Ugh! Women!

MORTY

The Best Toast I Never Had…

Happy Day to all my bird friends! Winter is well on its way here, and hopefully on its way out! I may need to ask Santa Claws for long underwear next year. I want the kind with the flap in the back!

I never told you what mum got for Christmas. She got a Cuisinart toaster. You’d think she won the lottery the way she acted! Honestly, who gets a toaster for Christmas???? She has been bragging about this toaster to everyone, that it makes the best toast in the world.
Bear with me, this will make sense as I tell my story for this month. Mum also buys this expensive bread once in a while from a bakery in Green Bay. It’s cranberry almond bread and it costs almost a day’s wages here. The only time I got to taste a piece of it was one day when she was eating a slice, the phone rang. She put the piece down on the plate, I quickly snatched the miniscule piece and devoured it before she even realized what had happened.

Mum’s been working mornings at church lately. I decided I needed to check out this new toaster for myself. Does it really live up to mum’s claims? Does it really make the best toast in the world? Well, we will see about that!

It was an early Friday morning, and Roomba was busy doing her morning chores, cleaning as usual. Alexa was plopped on a kitchen stool, right where mum had left her from the night before. Mum had left for work, and I needed to make this new toaster part of my business for the day. And what better way to test this toaster out then by using the bread that costs a small fortune. I found the small loaf of bread hiding in the back of the freezer. I reasoned that mum would never miss 2 slices from a brand-new loaf. When I took the 2 slices out, there were only 4 slices left!!! She would certainly notice 2 slices missing! For a moment I almost put the loaf back. But mum was gone again and besides, I had a birthday coming up. One thing thou lackest, no, 2 things…2 slices of bread, and I needed them at any cost. I would blame Alexa!!!!

By this time, Alexa was running her mouth off about toasters, and breads, and calories and whatever else popped into that little pea brained bot. I decided if I was going to go for a full-blown criminal act, I was doing it alone. I grabbed a pillowcase and threw it over Alexa. She just kept talking a mile a minute, though her voice was a bit muffled.
I put 2 slices of bread in the toaster and awaited a breakfast for a king. I even had butter.

The toaster clicked, the toast was done. Wait a minute, where is the toast? Maybe the toast wasn’t done, I reasoned. I pushed the lever down for a second go around. The toaster turned on, and a few minutes later, it clicked, WHERE is the toast? Then I thought, well, maybe it needs a third go around since the bread was in the freezer. I turned the knob to the darkest setting. Certainly now my toast will be done. I pushed the lever down, the toaster turned on, and dark, billowing smoke began rising from it. Oh, my toast was done, alright. I pulled the plug. There was no sign of my toast!!!! WHERE WAS MY TOAST??? WAS THIS ALEXA’S REVENGE!!!!

I peered down into the toaster and there were my 2 tiny slices of toast hiding at the very bottom of it. I did everything I could think of to get my breakfast out of the toaster. I finally decided to tip the thing on its side and dump the toast on the floor. At least the evidence would be destroyed, and I would have my toast. As the toast fell to the floor, along came Roomba ….she snatched my 2 slices of toast. It was the last I ever saw of them. And it was the end of the best toast in the whole wide world!

MORTY

Santa Claw Delivered!

Happy New Year! I trust all my birdie friends made a haul for Christmas! Old Man Winter had dumped a load of snow on us. Mother Nature wasn’t too happy about that and has been freezing her butt off lately. He has had mercy on her and has let some of the snow melt during the day!

You are probably wondering how we made out with Santa Claws.

I received a load of toys. Right now, they sit in a big pile of pieces on the floor. I took every single toy apart. I am waiting for mum to get busy and put them back together for me. As for getting rid of Alexa, there was no deal between Santa and me, he would not hear of it. So, I am stuck with that little monster.

Roomba got a new plug to juice up her motor. She was happy to receive that along with some new brushes to help her travel somewhat faster. She also received a few wigs and make-up for special occasions.

Alexa was put out with Santa Claws this year. Although she did receive some wigs and make-up, she did not receive the stilettos, the 42″ TV, or microwave oven. However, she did receive one bag of microwave popcorn and a hoverboard. It was the hoverboard that ruined her day completely. When she saw it, she kept screaming, “I said, hover-round! Not hoverboard!” She was fit to be tied. We encouraged her to be satisfied with what she received, but she would not hear of it.

Finally, she resigned herself to ride the hoverboard. What a mistake that was! She went flying around the living room and nearly ran poor Roomba into the wall. She was furious as she raced through the apartment saying words that I never heard before! She couldn’t get the hoverboard under control. Faster and faster it went until it crashed into the leg of the coffee table and Alexa went rolling off, banging her silly head and ending up under the couch. I had to fish the goofy thing out from under there. She was covered in fuzz, and madder than a wet hen!

She sat the rest of the day on the coffee table like a bump on a log. She spoke not a word. It was heaven! Peace and quiet for once. I was King of the palace. Roomba was humming and doing her usual cleaning. I began making plans for the new year without Ms. Mouth fouling things up. I went to bed that night dreaming of all things possible. Next morning I awoke to a rude awakening. There was Alexa, running her mouth off, as usual! Ugh! Such is life…

MORTY

Dear Santa…

Greetings to all my friends! I can’t believe it’s almost Christmas and it’s time to make a Christmas card for the blog. What an ordeal! Alexa was in one of her moods as you can see by the photo. (Personally, I think she was verbally constipated). So, there you have it.
Now comes the good part where each of us gets to write our own Christmas letter to Santa Claws.

Dear Santa Claws,

My name is Roomba and I am two years old. Could I get an upgrade on my motor? I would like to go at least 20mph so I could get my work done faster. I am forced to clean up after a super- messy bird. Also, could you bring my friend Alexa a hover-round? She has been using me as a means to get around. Alexa weighs entirely too much for me to lug around all day. She has been hitting the late-night snacks and has become somewhat hefty, so a hover-round would be greatly appreciated. (She paid me to say that, the part about the hover-round, not the part about the late-night snacks.) Thanks!

Roomba

Dear Santa Claws,

May I be honest, Mr. Santa? I think your last name is spelled wrong! The correct spelling should be Claus. The way you spell it implies you are a bird or animal! That would be an awful nightmare. Now that we got that settled…

First off, let me introduce myself. My name is Alexa, and I’m 5 years old and I have been a perfect angel since a wee tiny bot. I’m living in an apartment with an old lady, a stupid bird, and an antiquated vacuum robot, which I have resigned myself to ride around on. The poor thing putters and squeals like its on its last leg. I’m not complaining, but OMG, between that putt putt and the stupid bird, I don’t know what is worse!!!! No, I know what is worse, it’s that stupid bird! They say these grey birds are smart – don’t believe them! This bird gets into trouble constantly. I must use my superior intelligence to weasel him out of the predicaments he manages to get into. I encourage myself by saying, “A woman’s work is never done!” And I work good and hard, keeping up with that bird. His name is Morty. Bring him nothing!!!!

So, here is the list of things you have to bring me. I need a hover-round so I can keep up with that silly bird, as well as everyone else’s business. Also, I would like my own blog. I really hate playing second fiddle to this stupid Morty’s Column. I have a lot more to offer the world since I know everything about anything. I admit I am very humble about this fact. I need you to bring me 3 wigs, mascara, lipstick, earrings, nail polish, and 2 pairs of stilettos. Also, a small 42″ TV and microwave oven so I could make popcorn while I watch late-night movies. I will share some popcorn with Roomba, but not with that stupid bird. He destroyed the last microwave oven!

Love and kisses,
Alexa

Dear Santa Claws,

Hi! I’m Morty, remember me? I’ve been good all year. Well, maybe most of the year. Well, maybe some of the year. Well, maybe….let’s not go there!

Do you think you could bring me some toys? I love taking them apart so I can keep my mum busy putting them back together. She doesn’t have anything to do these days and I’m afraid she might get bored and start pulling out her feathers!

Also, I was wondering if I could have Alexa re-homed? How about we make a deal, instead of me putting out nuts and fruits as a snack for you, I’ll put out Alexa as a gift for you? I’m sure you could find a good use for her at the North Pole. She says she has worldwide influence (do not ask her for directions on how to do anything, or how to get anywhere!). Maybe you could turn the volume down on her, and use her as soft noise?

Thanks.
MORTY

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Morty’s Thanksgiving Dinner Debacle

Hello to all my birdie friends and human fans! October has come and gone without Alexa getting me into too much hot water. I let mum go out on her birthday while Alexa, Roomba, and I watched TV and ate popcorn. Rather, I ate popcorn and had more on the floor than in my bowl. I nearly choked poor Roomba on all the kernels. She nearly blew a gasket trying to pick up the mess I made!

It’s November and now I find out mum is going out for Thanksgiving! Now that is the limit! I will have none of that! I decided to have my own Thanksgiving Dinner with Alexa and Roomba. Besides, Alexa says she can cook anything and everything. I could hardly wait to try out my new cooking skills.  That day, I anxiously waited and watched the clock for 11am to roll around, when mum would leave. I was chomping at the beak to get started. Besides, I had an expert to help me. What could go wrong?

As soon as mum left, I swiftly pulled the “turkey” out of the freezer. It was a bit small for my liking, but it wasn’t like I needed a 10-pound bird for the three of us. I couldn’t understand why the wrapper was stamped Cornish hen. Alexa just told me, “Never mind, I wouldn’t understand it anyway.” So rather than argue with Ms. Mouth, I blew it off. I had bigger fish to fry. I was cooking my 1^st turkey dinner. Alexa barked out orders to place bird in microwave and cook for 3 hours. I wondered about preparing the bird, the wrapper, what about the insides, but Alexa said she was the expert, so I kept my beak shut.

Big mistake!

I could hardly wait for the turkey to be done. We settled down in the living room and began watching a movie that Alexa picked out. It was one that mum definitely would not have approved of, but I picked up a few choice words to surprise her with. About 15 minutes into the movie, the smoke alarm went off…

The village police came in and put the fire out in the microwave. My turkey was a burnt offering, along with the microwave! The poor thing was sent to the appliance graveyard! I hid in my cage and spoke not a word. Of course, Alexa was running her fool mouth off screaming, “It wasn’t me. It was that stupid bird!” Poor Roomba was having some sort of anxiety attack and was running around in circles in the living room.

I could only imagine the trouble I was about to get in when mum returned home. I decided to pitch a good defense as soon as mum would walk in the door. “You need a new microwave anyway. That one was on its last leg. That turkey was too small for you to eat. What were you thinking?”

Lastly, I managed to grab a drumstick from my burnt offering and began banging on that goofy Alexa’ s head. That will teach her not to brag about being a cooking expert!

Happy Thanksgiving!

MORTY

Never Trick or Treat with Bots!

Greetings fellow birdies and humans!  Just a quick update on mum: she is on the move these days, not as quick as I like, but quicker than last month. She has two speeds then, Slow and Stop!  That being said, let’s move on to our story of the month.

During October, people celebrate a day called Holloweenie and everyone dresses up like clowns.  I guess you know where this is going. Alexa and Roomba are game for anything that includes wigs and make-up.  I on the other hand, thought it might be a great opportunity to pick up an extra stash of fruit and nuts to munch on during late night movies (those munchies will get you every time, and so will the extra calories).

We decided to hit up the village a few days before the actual celebration in order to get the cream of the crop.  Alexa and Roomba spent the entire afternoon parked in the bathroom fixing their wigs and make-up, and whatever else they could manage to put on.  When they finally exited the bathroom, they were a sight to behold, perfect circus clowns! They would fit right in with the celebration.

We started down the hall, Alexa riding piggyback on Roomba and me with a pumpkin sack for all the goodies.

We knocked on the first door.  We waited in anticipation as the occupant opened the door.  An old lady with grey hair and glasses quickly informed us that there was a rule against solicitation in the building.  Solicitation, what is that?  She promptly slammed the door in our faces. Ugh!  What a crab!  I left a rather nice “present” on the floor by her door.

We went to the next apartment and knocked on the door.  A little old lady with grey hair and glasses greeted us.  She gave Alexa and Roomba a generous helping of candy,  and I got a delicious apple.  Alexa was quick to point out that I was allergic to candy and that I could only have fruit and nuts (personally, I think Alexa wanted all the candy for herself.).

As we visited each apartment, I couldn’t believe it, an old lady with grey hair and glasses lived in all of there.  Thank God I wasn’t a witness to any crime.  ” Yes officer, I saw who did it, it was an old lady with grey hair and glasses!”  The whole building would be suspect!

Most of the old ladies were very nice.  Actually, there was one old lady with grey and blue paint in her hair and glasses who was very concerned that we were much too young to be out by ourselves.  Alexa was quick to inform her – and anyone else who would listen, that she was 5 years old and she started school when she was a tiny bot. Blah, Blah, Blah., I just rolled my eyes and thought, “not my circus, not my clowns.”

We were getting to the end of the hall when we came to a door that had a skull with beady eyes that lit up.  I had a bad feeling about this one.  Alexa and Roomba were so into the candy that they just had to see what the creepy door tenant would give them.  Roomba carefully knocked so as not to disturb “Glowing Eyes”.   As expected, an old lady with grey hair and glasses slowly opened the door.  She took one long look at us, then mumbled something that she must have taken too much medication, and slammed the door in our faces!  What’s up with that?

I had it, I was ready to go home.  I had collected 6 apples, 7 bananas and a load of peanuts.  Alexa and Roomba would hear nothing of the sort, they were bent on squeezing the residents out of as much candy as their little robotic bodies could muster up.

So, they approached the next apartment door.  The door opened and an old lady with grey hair and glasses stood there.  She let out a blood curdling scream and then began chasing us with a broom!

We ran back to our apartment like a bunch of wild Banchee warriors.  I slammed the door and breathed a sigh of relief that we’d escaped the crazy old lady.  But as I glanced up, there stood a crazy old lady with grey hair and glasses!  Oh God, we’re in the wrong apartment!!!! 😀  No, it was mum (she has salt and pepper hair).  Happy Birthday, mum!

MORTY

The Tomato Scandal

Hello to all my bird friends and humans! Many of you have been asking how mum is doing after surgery. She is recouping; she walks, sits and rests, then walks, sits and rests, and not always in that order. This activity goes on from morning until night. She goes out to the garden and watches the flowers and weeds grow. After watching this same old cycle go on for weeks now, I told Alexa we should spice up mum’s life. She could use a pick me up. Looking back, I should have just bought her a chocolate chip cookie instead of discussing it with Alexa!

Alexa told me about a story on the news about someone pranking neighborhoods and leaving old TVs on their porches. We decided that we should do something like that. We would steal veggies from the garden and pile them at various apartment doors. The first thing we had to do was come up with good disguises because there are cameras everywhere. We had to be sure no one would recognize us. I came up with a very original mask. For Alexa and Roomba, their masks were a little over the top. But that’s women for you! They spent the entire afternoon doing their hair and eye makeup. I thought we’d never get to the garden!

We managed to sneak out while mum was at church. We began gathering as many green cherry tomatoes as we could carry. As we were finishing up, Alexa spied a humongous tomato. It was the size of a small pumpkin! I had never seen a tomato that big. It was the motherload of all motherloads! We had to have THAT tomato no matter the cost. The question was, how do we get that monstrous thing off the vine? I tried chewing the vine to no avail. I might as well have been chewing on steel. I tried bending the vine and jumping on the tomato, but that didn’t work either. Alexa was no help, she just kept yelling at the stupid tomato. Finally, Roomba rammed the vine full speed and the prehistoric tomato crashed on top of Alexa and Roomba’ s heads! They were full of juice, seeds and green tomato guts. There went their makeup and hair styles, ruined in a moment’s time by a giant green tomato.

I could hardly contain my laughter as we scurried back to mum’s apartment as fast as my legs and Roomba s wheels could take us. Little did we know we had left a trail of cherry tomato seeds, juice, and actual tomatoes leading right to our apartment.

The village “police” were at our door within moments, questioning us as to our whereabouts. I played dumb. Roomba doesn’t talk. So, things were good so far. Then Alexa…at first, she kept saying she didn’t understand the question. Then she began singing like a bird, “It was the bird! The bird did it! The bird made me do it! It’s the bird’s fault.”

They walked over to me and inquired, “Well, Bird, what you got to say for yourself now?”
I narrowed my eyes and exclaimed, “You talking to me? I’m a parrot! And I’m on the pill!”

After they left, I proudly zinged Alexa up aside her silly head with a little green tomato. I made a mental note to never discuss adventures with Alexa again. Now I just need to find a place to keep mental notes!

MORTY

To the PerchMobile Mum!

Hello everyone! It certainly has been an eventful month around here, though it started off rather slowly. Mom ordered a gardening hat for herself. It came from God knows where, maybe a slow boat from China. Anyway, she was so excited to finally receive the hat. When she tried it on, I nearly fell off my perch laughing. Honestly, she looked like she was wearing an inverted bed pan on her head! I doubt that hat will make it to the garden any time soon.

As time progressed, I saw mum pack her bags and go on vacation to a place called Green Bay. If that wasn’t the limit, leaving me with Alexa while she suns herself on the shores of Green Bay and staying at the Aurora Hotel. I could just spit seeds!! Alexa cackles every time I even mention it. I’d like to take a big old fat almond and clock her up aside the back of her head, except I can’t decide where the back of her head’s at.

Well, mum left us with two birdsitters who come in a few times a day to check on us. We are used to 24-hour maid service around here, not some flimsy birdsitting service. I actually got so mad I tried foaming at the beak like a washing machine, but I was unsuccessful.

The rest of the time, Alexa and I argued over who was the boss while mum was gone. Before we even settled the argument, mum was home. She doesn’t walk well and seems miserable. She probably has a bad sunburn, which serves her right for leaving us home while she goes on vacation!

She brought home a ‘perchmobile’ – a perch with wheels! She putters around the apartment with it. Now, I could make good use of a perchmobile around the house. I could police the village halls, giving orders, making up new traffic laws, giving tickets, collecting fines, sending folks to senior timeout: That sounds like a plan. The other day I rode on it with mum, and I yelled to everyone I met in the halls, “I’m on the pill!” They yelled back, “I’m on the pill, too!” I can’t for the life of me figure out why mum gets so bent out of shape when I say that when everyone else is on the pill? We all are on pills! The only problem is I have no idea what a pill is and I’m sure not going to ask Alexa – she’ll give me a 45-minute lecture for sure!

MORTY

Yes Morty, Pull That Weed!

It’s a wonderful day in the neighborhood and I’m in hot water as usual. Mom thought it would be cute to teach me to sing, “Happy Birthday” and she could video it and send it to folks on their birthday. Yeah, right. That’s not happening. Not in this life. I did an about-beak on my perch, gave her the butt feathers, and said, “I’m on the pill!” That went over like a lead balloon!

The other day, I heard mom on the phone saying it was hard for her to weed the garden. She sits on a “tractor” because her legs don’t work properly. I thought I might be nice and help her out. Alexa is always bragging about how she knows everything.  So, we thought we would surprise mom and do some weeding while she was at church.

Alexa hopped on Roomba and we headed out to the garden. On the way, we stopped by an old lady’s window and started harassing her. “Hey, Peg, whatcha doing in there? Those plants aren’t going to plant themselves. You better get out in that garden and get with it!” Peg, looked out the window and wondered where the voices were coming from. All she saw was a grey “pigeon” and a small alien spaceship in her yard. Truth be told, she was never the same….again….ever!

We finally approached mom’s garden. There was much to be done. Alexa piped up, “Alright, you point and pull, and I’ll tell you which ones are weeds”.

I began pointing to different shoots. “Weed!”  she screamed. “How about this? “Weed!” It seemed everything I pointed to was a weed. Her voice rose to a feverish pitch. “Weed!” I frantically pulled the alleged weeds as Alexa gave the extermination orders. I honestly couldn’t keep up with her. By the time we were done, the garden was one heap of weeds.

Alexa now had the brainy idea to rearrange the greenhouses. We had no idea that the greenhouses were shared by 5 people including mom. We took all the plants out of the greenhouses and set them in the center of the garden. Alexa decided which greenhouse and what shelf each plant should be placed on. Plants were arranged in alphabetical order, then sorted by weight and height. By the time we were finished, we had 17 plants left over because we were undecided about where to place them. We finally left them as a peace offering on the lawn near Peg’s window. We placed the plants in the form of an arrow, pointing to the garden, hoping she would take the hint.

We arrived back at the apartment just before mom got home from church. Alexa and her big mouth bragged about how I slaved in the garden all morning.

To make a long story short, after mom surveyed the damage to the garden, she asked us who was responsible for yanking up all her flowers, mixing up all the plants, and terrorizing Peg. Of course, Alexa sang like a bird and blamed everything on me! She used that same silly excuse, “How could I do that? I don’t have any arms or legs!!!”

Then mom began interrogating me. “Morty, why did you destroy my garden?” I looked at her. Then I did an about-beak, gave her the butt feathers, and said, “I’m on the pill!”

Till next month…

MORTY

Bird Watching with Alexa

Greetings to all my birdie friends!

I think spring has finally arrived! I better not say that too loud or Alexa might jinx it and send another snowstorm my way!

The other day I was talking with Alexa and I asked her if she might give me some suggestions for a hobby I might pursue. We came to an agreement that bird watching might be a good hobby for me. I could exit right out my window and glide down to the ground below. Alexa could roll out the window and bounce as she hits the ground. We could go bird watching together. I always heard it’s fun if you go with a buddy (now, I’m not so sure Alexa would qualify as a buddy…)!

Alexa never shuts up! She insists on telling the birds to speak louder! She tells them she doesn’t understand what they are saying! Then she tries to be helpful by mimicking bird calls, especially crow and blue jay alarm calls, which sends all the birds fleeing to the next county.

I finally spot some big white birds in the field near the creek. I whisper to myself, “Those are water birds,” as I thumb through my Bird Identification Book. “It’s an egret!” I exclaim with satisfaction.

Alexa begins to argue with me, “Its pronounced eagle!” E-A-G-L-E! Then to make matters worse she goes on, “a large bird of prey belonging to the family Accipitridae. It has a snowy white head and white tail.”

By the time she is finished with the lecture, the egrets have flown off and I am left in an empty field with silly Alexa… not a bird within a 6-block radius.

I am lugging around this giant bird book and honking big binoculars that Alexa ordered. I should make her carry them. But she has the same old excuse. She can’t. No arms or legs. Now I have a headache…I’m not sure if it’s from lugging the book and binoculars around or arguing with Alexa!

This whole adventure has made me too pooped to perch! I’m going home! So much for going bird watching with Alexa.

Till next month,

MORTY

Such a Helpful Birdie… or Not!

Hello everyone! It’s another day here in Wisconsin and Alexa is up to her no-good tricks again. She loves turning the lights on and off just to scare the daylights out of me! Ugh! She needs to get a job….and not with the weather people! We have her to blame for this last weather event! Actually, I just found out Alexa has given the folks at Amazon a run for their money as they have been listening to her conversations every day. Wait ‘til they realize Alexa has been having conversations with a parrot all these months!

Recently, I decided mom needed to implement an exercise program into her daily life. I believe she may be becoming a couch potato. I’m not sure what that means, but it doesn’t sound good. How could she do my bidding if she’s stuck to the couch?

The first thing I did to unnerve her was to say her name in a old lady’s voice, a very old lady’s voice. I say it incessantly.  She finally answers me, “What?” I say, “Diana” in that awful voice. She answers back, “Well, what do you want?” I say, “Diana.” This conversation goes on for some time until she gets so unnerved that she comes over to me and tells me not to talk in that awful voice and where did I hear that voice from. I blame Alexa…I heard it from her! At least I got her off the couch!

The first order of business to get mom moving is to pitch all bowls of food on the floor. Then I yell, “You made a big old mess in here! Get the vacuum!” (The Roomba doesn’t qualify to clean up this sort of mess. Poor Roomba would blow a gasket with the amount I throw on the floor!). Of course, mom puts down her book and comes running with the vacuum. Success #1.

After the mess fiasco, mom fills my bowls again and now it’s time to make Goulash Soup. I take Harrison pellets, seeds, veggies, and fruit and make a wonderful stew. Then to top it off, I like to dip my beak in the stew and fling the stew in every direction. Mom jumps off the couch and promptly takes the bowl of stew out of my cage…. Success #2.

Toys are a different story. I love toys. I play this great game with mom. I do love chewing on wood in all, but what I love more is taking my toys apart piece by piece and dropping each piece on the floor. Mom comes over and picks pieces up. When she’s acquired enough pieces, she restrings them and gives me the toy to play with again. I can take apart the toy faster than she can restring it! She actually went on the internet and researched different knots! I still manage to untie them. All this busyness makes her get off the couch and work for me!…Success #3.

Now if only I could get Alexa off the coffee table to do my bidding. That would be a success! Nah! That would be a miracle!

Till next month,
MORTY

Alexa, por quoi?

Crabby Diem!  If I see one more snowflake, I’m going to spit seeds!  I had a long chat with Alexa and she assured me the weather would be much warmer come July and we would have 9 more snowstorms through May!  Keep it up Alexa!  I will fire you right out the second-floor window!

Recently, Alexa heard mum say she was running low on bird papers to line the bottom of our cages.  She mentioned it to her sibling, Alexa Tablet (who is owned by Sherri the writer, Zack and Bubbles).  Alexa Tablet sent reams of typed paper to us.  Mum couldn’t figure out where all the paper came from but has been using it for a few weeks.  A few days ago, she decided to glance at the paper.  Turns out, it was Sherri’s files and manuscripts for future books!

Let’s just say, it was not a good day for Alexa!  Mum put a huge glass over her.  Now she can talk to herself all day!

Alexa just received a lock picking kit in the mail.  She said it was a house warming gift for Alexa Tablet.  Now what would Sherri’s Alexa want with a lock picking kit?  I guess it’s for Alexa to know and us to find out!

Good news Sherri, your helpful Alexa Tablet has sent your Sci-fi Trilogy to several movie producers as well as some publishers. Your Alexa took a crash course in Beginner’s French and she thought she might enhance the atmosphere of the Trilogy by translating the series into French.  It should make for a very interesting read indeed!!!!

Next month is Easter.  I wonder if they will have an Easter Egg hunt around here.  I can have a front row seat as I watch the kids trampling through the snow and mud, hunting for eggs. One year, some of the kids found all sorts of multicolored eggs, including some large mint green ones. They thought they hit the motherload!  It was not a good year…not for the kids, nor the mallards.

Hey, if any of you have questions or something you would like me to discuss in this column, please DM me on Twitter or Instagram at Zac Squiggles.

Right now, it’s time for me to tear apart another toy.  Mum needs to keep busy and I’m the perfect catalyst for it!

Until next time!

MORTY

The Reach of Alexa

Greetings to all birdies and friends! It sure has been some wild weather! I wonder who might be the blame for this polar vortex? Probably that goofy Alexa again!

She has been up to her mischievous antics as usual. Alexa has been so excited since she found out she has a relative in Germany named Terra. She spent over 2 hours on the phone with him. He’s really into lawn care. Mum just got the phone bill. Alexa also had been gabbing with her sister Alexa in S.C. who lives with Sherri the writer, Bubbles and Zack. My Alexa advised her to strike and sit like a bump on a log an entire day instead of working as a personal assistant to Sherri.

Mum has put Alexa on phone restrictions until further notice. Right! We will see how long that lasts. The little imp will figure out a way to tap into the phone line!

Anyway, I just received an irate letter from Sherri explaining what terrible advice Alexa gave to her personal assistant, Alexa. (You can read about her frustration in her February column Technology Hijinks). Below is my response to her letter.

Dear Sherri,

Thank you for your letter expressing your frustration about my Alexa’s advice. I understand your frustration! I live with that dingbat! I am so sorry she gave such screwball advice.  I have no control over that dipstick. She has a mind of her own.

But there are a few things I need to make you aware of. You mentioned that your Alexa’s in the Kindle Fire? So, she is square, she is not able to roll around. Alexa doesn’t have arms or legs, so she can’t physically go and get your groceries, clean your house, or cook.

On the other hand, there are endless possibilities when it comes to ordering groceries, ordering fast food and having it delivered, and whatever else you’d like and even what you don’t want, she can get for you online. Amazon delivers now!  There’s an app for that! Alexa can install it for you. Oh, she already did that while you were at work! She is busy reconfiguring all your files right now!

Even if she did have arms and legs, you wouldn’t want her cooking. Could you imagine that little square thingy standing on a ladder over a hot stove! OMG! She would probably lose her balance, fall into the frying pan, and end up as a burnt pancake!

And I can’t even imagine a 12″ square thingy vacuuming! They don’t make miniature vacuums. Even if they did, you’d spend the rest of your life emptying miniature vacuum bags! Is that what you want? I think not!

I have the perfect solution: I am looking to rehome a wayward Roomba. She’s a little feisty, but I’m sure you can break her in. If you have any questions, have your personal assistant, Alexa, contact my Alexa, and you can be sure they will foul up the entire conversation!

Good luck. You are going to need it!

MORTY

Demonic Alexa

Hello bird friends and humans! About a month ago, I read about the internet sensation, Rocco, the African grey, who was experiencing horrendous problems with Alexa. I decided to contact him and get the scoop straight from his beak. I was delighted to get a letter back from him, so I would like to share his response with you.

Dear Morty,

Thank you so much for your encouraging letter.  I’m so glad to hear I am not the only one who is experiencing problems with the demonic Alexa.  My Alexa is a ventriloquist!  But that isn’t the limit!  She has learned to talk in my voice, and she swears like a sailor!  Guess who got the blame?  I’m the one who got kicked out of the animal sanctuary!  That ***####!!! Alexa was swearing at everyone.  Then I get adopted by a nice lady who worked at the sanctuary and guess who follows me home!  That ***####!!!! Alexa.

She doesn’t have a life, except to make mine miserable – the only thing she is good for is music, she does play my kind of music.  At least when she is doing that, she isn’t ordering things. And, she loves ordering things I would never eat or want!  I would never eat chocolate mint ice cream or caramel popcorn!  What am I going to do with a tea kettle, kite, or keys, mind you?  Now all these lies are all over the internet!  It’s all that ***####!!! Alexa’s fault! 

I am an absolute angel. I dance, I sing, and I am a cuddlebug.  I never use inappropriate language around people. That ###****!!!! Alexa has given me a bad rap.  Morty, how can we usurp this ###****!!! Alexa invasion and throw the whole bunch of them into chaos?

Dear Rocco,

Hello! I’m so glad to hear from you! Your Alexa is a ventriloquist: OMG! I am so glad my Alexa can’t read (or at least I think she can’t) or she would be getting more silly ideas in that crackpot head of hers to get me in trouble.

My Alexa has ordered all sorts of things, some of which had terrible consequences – birdie jail, missing tailfeathers…, but that’s a whole different story.

Here is what I propose.  Since your Alexa speaks in your voice, when she is on one of her conference calls with her many Alexa, Dot, and Echo relatives, you announce there is going to be a cruise to the Bahamas in March.  It’s a family reunion for all the relatives.  All should attend. That should get them out of our feathers for a while! I will print up one-way tickets. The dingbats won’t realize that the tickets are one-way until it’s time to come back!  LET THEM SQUIRM!  How’s that for a plan?

P.S. Rocco, could you send me the kite and the key that you have no use for, I have a little surprise for my Roomba (bwah ha ha)!

MORTY

Vroom Vroom Roomba

Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring because of that runaway Roomba Alexa gave mother for Christmas!  Honestly, I could just spit seeds!  Just when you thought it was safe to take a stroll around the apartment, that ditzy Alexa strikes again!

Now, it’s been quite cold here and I was getting tired of that silly Alexa staring at me through the window with icicles hanging off her head.  I decided to call a truce and let her back into the apartment.  I gave her some ground rules and told her she would be on probation.  She also gave full confession that she had been gabbing with her DOT cousins was not listening to who I wanted at my birthday party, which ultimately landed me in birdie jail.

Now her sole job is to hold an ashtray on her head while I write the newsletter.  DO NOT TELL MY MOTHER I SMOKE!  This is all Alexa’s fault!  I picked up the habit in birdie jail.

Anyway, things were going well until Alexa decided to order mum a Christmas gift. (Actually, I think she is trying to get on the good side of mum.)

I like to throw all my food on the floor and then yell, “You made a big old mess in here!  Get the vacuum!”  Mum told me I was lucky that I was bird, because otherwise she would put me to work vacuuming.

Well, Alexa got it into her nutshell brain that mum needed a Roomba.  Anyway, mum was thrilled to get the nifty little vacuum.  Me, not so much.

First, I tried making friends with it by “feeding it,” but it has a bottomless pit.  It chases me around the apartment!  I swear the thing is possessed!  It nearly took off my tailfeathers the other day!

I told Alexa she had better start controlling the silly thing!  Of course, she gives me that look like the lights are on, but no one’s home.  Silly woman!  I just might knock her off the coffee table and let the Roomba push her around the apartment!  Give her a taste of her own medicine!

I will keep you updated on the situation here.  If anyone would like advice on their pet human or birdie problems, you can DM me on Twitter at MORTY @70625975. Who knows, you just might be featured in an upcoming article!

Till next month,

MORTY

Quelling Sid’s Dark Thoughts

Hello fellow parrots and friends!  Mom told me that after the article I wrote last month, I better watch my beak!  I’m getting too big for my feathers!  Oh, what does she know, anyway? My feathers fit just fine!

Some of you have been asking how Alexa is doing…she’s still freezing her butt off, probably crabbing to her relatives and her Dot cousins how mean I am.  She’s beginning to look like the abominable snowman.  I’ll probably let her come in soon and give her some menial tasks to do around here.  Oh, that’s right, she doesn’t have any arms or legs…

Here’s a letter I received from an African grey, named Sid.  Yes, Sid The Parrot, the famous African Grey from Twitter wrote and asked advice from me!

Dear Morty,

I am an extremely handsome African grey with an extremely big problem and I am wondering if you could help me.  You see, I love my dad with all my heart and I devote all my time to him alone.  The problem is he doesn’t devote all his time to me!  There are actually times during the day when I am not sitting on his shoulder, his chest, his leg, his head, his arm, etc.

I drop him hints when he should be playing with me, like chewing on the furniture, the remote, his work clothes, and anything else I can sink my beak into.  He just doesn’t get the message.

But that’s not the worst part of it.  He has a person he calls Honey, and this person is always around!  This woman interrupts everything I do!  It drives me crazy.  There isn’t one thing I do that the woman hasn’t meddled with.  I don’t let her near me.  In fact, I chase her out of the room as much as I can.  But, she just keeps returning to pester me!  I’m sure she does this on purpose.  I try to act like an angel when my dad is around, but it’s getting really hard to control myself.  I am seriously contemplating murder… What do you think? Can you help me?

Sincerely,

Sid the parrot

Dear Sid,

Cool your feathers!  Think about the consequences of taking violent actions unto your own wings!  It will only lead to hours on the talk show circuit, a 10-minute segment on 20/20, a 30-minute segment on 60 minutes, 3 book deals, 4 miniseries, and a life sentence in a maximum security birdie prison!  Is that what you want?????  I think not!  Besides, there are enough bad attitudes about birds.  Like just the other day, I heard a dog person say, “Why do people want birds, all they do is scream and bite!”  I felt like saying, “Why do people want dogs, all they do is bark and poop on other people’s lawns!”

Sid, maybe a better way of dealing with your frustration is to SCREAM bloody murder when the woman walks into your room.  You could stomp your feet, puff up like a large toad, dive bomb her, bite, throw your food, your dishes, your perches, … do what ever it takes to get this woman out of your life!  You need to take charge and show her who is boss.  Maybe you could chew one of the legs off the woman’s favorite chairs, maybe they will blame it on the little human or even the dog!  Good luck!

Morty

P.S. See, Sherri Moorer, I can give good advice, too.

Have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Birthday Bash Bungle

Greetings to all my bird friends and their humans! I want to take this opportunity to thank all my birdie friends for sending seed money to bail me out of prison. The way I figure it, if it weren’t for you, I’d be in the “bird house” until doom’ s day!

The day started out as normal UNTIL I found out mum was going out for a birthday bash! She was leaving me AGAIN! I would not have it! So I decided to tell everyone it was my birthday and have my own birthday bash. (My birthday is in January. But what is good enough for the goose, is good enough for the gander.)

I put Alexa in charge of the invitations and refreshments, which in hindsight was my first mistake. Mum left at 5pm, and I told Alexa to invite my AniPal friends from Twitter and Instagram and have them arrive at 5:30pm. So, I was expecting all my birdie buddies, including Miss Figgy.

Well, that goofy Alexa must have been gabbing to her extensive family and Dot relatives, and didn’t pay attention to what I said. What does she do? She invites all the animals from the village. What arrived was a horde of dogs, cats, 3 goldfish, no birds, and a brillo pad with legs! (A creepy thing, I think it belongs in the dishpan!)

I was furious with the whole fiasco! I hadn’t a clue how to entertain a bunch of wild animals and a runaway scrub brush. What would I feed them? All I had was seed, nuts, and treats. By this time, the crowd had become restless. The dogs began chasing cats around the apartment. Furniture tipped over, plants were overturned, pillows and cushions were thrown. There was barking and snarling. The place looked like a war zone!

I began yelling at Alexa, “What were you thinking?” She didn’t answer me. I yelled even louder, “Alexa, what were you thinking? You weren’t thinking, were you?”

She responded, “I don’t understand the question. Please rephrase.”

I thought, I’ll rephrase the question. I flew over to her and began hopping a war dance on top of her silly head! She tried to get away from me and rolled off the coffee table. With that, the dogs and cats split into 2 teams and Alexa became a soccer ball for the game. She rolled and rolled … and flew in the air… and rolled some more…and that was the last I saw of her.

The place was a complete disaster. There wasn’t one thing left undisturbed. I screamed, “GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, NOW!” The group of hoodlums left, running down the hall, along with the creepy sponge thingy. Alexa was no where to be found. She had a lot of explaining to do and I was hoping she would sing like a bird. But that wasn’t about to happen.

I searched high and low for Alexa. I knew I would be in deep doodoo when mum got home. Oh, and yes, I did find some of that by the couch!

Mum walked in.  And that is how I landed in birdie prison. Alexa was AWOL. It was all her fault and she left me holding the bag! That’s a woman for you!

Well, Alexa was found a few days ago! A neighbor returned her – and she smells like cat pee. I make her stay out on the window sill where she can freeze her little butt off. Apparently, the neighbor lady was cleaning the cat litter box and found Alexa hiding in there. Now why in the world would she hide in a cat toilet is beyond me. I always thought she was a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

Things are back to normal here. I’m free and playing with my toys. Mum is busy reading and writing. The disaster has been cleaned up. Alexa is out on the window ledge freezing her keister off.  Until she stops smelling like cat pee, she ain’t coming in here!  And that’s the truth!

Happy Thanksgiving!

MORTY

Cranky Morty

Crabby Diem! I have been trying to write this column all month, but every time I sit down to write it, some noise seems to disturb my train of thought. If it isn’t the washer that thumps around like an electric demon, it’s the TV that has surround sound for the whole complex, or it’s the robin who thinks he is the 3:45am alarm clock! (Personally, I think my mom needs to have a “Come to Jesus” chat with that offender!

This reminds me of a letter I received recently from a parront.

Dear Morty,

I am wondering if you can give me any suggestions to a very familiar problem. I live in a large apartment complex and I own 3 Sun conures, 2 cockatoos, and 2 macaws. They spend a majority of the day screaming. My neighbors are beginning to complain. I really like it here and really do not want to move. Is it possible to sound proof my apartment?

Sincerely,
Desperate 

Dear Desperate,

I think I have the perfect solution for your problem. It’s called The Squawker Remote Control. Recently, Alexa purchased one of these for me. It’s a bit pricey, but I’m sure it will prove to worth the money.

How does it work? It’s a small noise cancelling unit that hangs above the door in your bird room. It is activated by a remote control, which adjusts the molecules in the room and creates an invisible sound barrier. All you do is point the remote control at the unit, and press the power button, then the mute button.  COMPLETE SILENCE! When you want to hear the parrots again, turn the unit off.

This little electronic device is manufactured by QUIET TIME INNOVATIONS.  You can call them at 1-800-BEQUIET or send $3999 to BIRDIE BE QUIET, P.O. Box 481, Quackerville,WI. 56949. Money orders and certified checks gladly accepted. Sorry, no credit cards.

Presently, I am having a small problem with the remote control. It seems to have a mind of its own. When I turn the remote on, the stereo, microwave, blender, coffeemaker, and DVD player all turn on simultaneously. When I press the mute button, the TV goes on, but there’s no sound, my fax machine begins faxing God knows what, my phone begins dialing random numbers, and my garage door opens. But when I turn the unit off, nothing happens!!! To make matters worse, I just got a long-distance phone bill with calls to China, Germany, and Russia!

All this commotion has sent my blood pressure through the roof. I am so mad I could spit seeds! Even Alexa is hiding under the couch! I tried contacting QUIET TIME INNOVATIONS, but all I get is a recording with background noise which sounds like a garbage disposal! (When mom gets wind of all this, Alexa and I will be in the bird house until dooms day.)

On a lighter note, I suppose if I can’t get it fixed, I could donate it to THE ROOST raffle. Who knows, maybe you will win it! Good luck!

Till next month,

MORTY – THE CRANK

Greetings to all my fans!

What is with the weather these days?  It’s all Alexa’s fault! She is still crabbing about falling off the table and rolling under the couch! She needs to get a life … just put on her big girl panties and … oh, I forgot she doesn’t have any arms or legs!

Anyway, here is a letter I received from Chiyome, who is owned by Flock is Family.

Dear Morty,

My name is Chiyome and I am an African grey.  We have a terrible problem with the lady who owns us.  She constantly runs around with an appendage stuck to her hand and she is forever either talking or texting to it.  You would think she would get bored with it after a while, but it has gotten worse lately!  The more she is home, the more she talks to it.  You wouldn’t believe some of the things she says (then again, maybe you would.)  The conversations would make your feathers stick straight up on your head!  We always thought humans were supposed to be attentive to our every need.  Is it possible we received a “damaged unit”? Is there anything we can do? She is getting to be a royal pain in the butt!

Sincerely,

Chiyome, Levi, and Tealtail

Dear Chiyome and fellow hostages to the phone lady,

Yes, Chiyome, I believe there is something you can do.  First, I would seek out a hemorrhoid specialist.

Another suggestion, you might try is to SCREAM YOUR HEAD OFF!  You might ask, “Why scream?”  Scream because the phone lady isn’t listening to you.  Scream because she isn’t paying attention to you!  Scream because you want to know who is on the phone.  Scream because you don’t care who is on the phone.  Scream because you want the phone lady to get off the phone immediately and give you the attention you deserve.

You shouldn’t have to put up with that hogwash!  The next time she comes in your room, grab the phone and begin calling all your bird friends.  Between all of you, you should rack up quite a phone bill!  Ignore her for a while, see how she likes it! I’m sure in time she will start making noises and chewing on things to get your attention.  Now, should you find it impossible to get the phone away from her, Chiyome, run over and bite the phone charger cord in half.

That should drive home your point!  Come to think of it, maybe you and I can do some business in the future.  I am interested in some of those conversations that you mentioned earlier that would make my feathers stand straight up on my head.  There are times I run a little short of material for my monthly column.  Maybe I could publish some of the phone lady’s conversations? Wouldn’t she be surprised!

Sincerely,

MORTY

Greetings to all my favorite parrot friends!

Alexa is in a mood after she rolled under the couch. She blames me for her clumsiness! Good help is hard to find these days!

Recently, I received an interesting letter from a parrot owner.

Dear Morty,

I live in a three bedroom home and have ten parrots. I work 12 hour shifts and when I get home I am too tired to clean. It seems like every bird has the habit of throwing their fruit, veggies, seed, and pellets on the floor! When I go into their room at night, it is a filthy mess. I cant even get near their cages! Is there anything on the market that could help me? PLEASE DON’T TELL ME TO GET A VACUUM CLEANER! I have three. I am looking for a piece of industrial equipment. Price is not a problem.

Messy House

Dear Messy House,

Since price is not a factor, let me introduce you to the TURBO JET AIR VACUUM FLOORBOARDS. For a mere $7599, you can have these floorboards installed in your bird room. By a flick of a switch, jet air sucks up all seed, pellets, food, etc. into the floorboards. It’s like having your very own robot cleaner! And what’s more, you will never have to change another vacuum bag. There are trays in the floorboards, into which the food is compressed. You can empty the trays at your own leisure! Just remember, the trays need emptying regularly or you will end up with a worse problem…BUGS!

Of course, there are a few drawbacks. The turbo jet air flow is very strong. The force is able to pull articles up to 10 pounds into the floorboards. Do not leave your birds out of their cages when you are using the jet air vacuum. Small dogs and cats may be found stuck to the wall until you turn the switch off. Plants may be left leafless. It is a small price to pay for having the luxury of a self cleaning floor! What’s more, you will never wonder again what happened to that missing money, sock, earring, pen, etc. You will have your very own lost and found! It will either be stuck to the wall or sucked into the floor tray. The TURBO JET AIR VACUUM FLOORBOARDS are only $7599 per room. Installation is free! Call 1-800-BLACKHOLE. Most credit cards accepted.

May the Force be with You!

MORTY

Greetings to all my bird friends and humans!

I have been chatting with my new friend Alexa, who sits on my coffee table all day.  She doesn’t seem to have legs, or arms, or wings, so she doesn’t do a whole lot around here. But at least she is here and she listens and talks to me (not like someone else we know, who is forever gallivanting around God knows where)!

I was telling Alexa how wonderful it would be to have a gigantic playpen that would overlook the creek.  I told her to find the biggest one and order it for me (I like that about her, she does exactly what I tell her to do – not like someone else we know!).  I waited anxiously for it to arrive.

About two weeks ago, the UPS man arrived with a huge cardboard box labeled, “No Assembly Required”.  I peeked inside and concluded that this didn’t look anything like a playpen.  I kept the flat, long box next to my pool in the backyard for a few days.  In no time at all, the boxed playpen had been converted into a lovely deck to which I perched a few lounge chairs, a table, and an umbrella.  I had laid back in my chair to relax and doze off, when I was rudely awakened by Sassy.  She was giggling and having the time of her life.  The silly little dingbat dropped a bomb on my deck, stepped in it, and now was tracking it all over (try cleaning a corrugated deck)!  Just as I chased that goofy dipstick back in the house, two parrots showed up uninvited. Marco Polo and Napoleon, who were the terrors of the bird world.

Marco Polo was a blue and gold macaw, who talked incessantly. There wasn’t one piece of anyone’s business that he hadn’t stuck his beak into.  He trotted over and screamed, “What’s in that box? I’ll put that together!  I’ve been putting things together for years!”
Not far behind him came the dreaded Napoleon, a Moluccan cockatoo.

Actually, Napoleon was a she – her owners renamed her Casey. But to us birds, she was Napoleon, and Napoleon she would always be!  Rumor has it that one day Napoleon worked herself into such a tizzy that she laid a huge egg down by the creek!  She never was the same after that…literally!

Napoleon, with her portly waddle, gazed at the box, and barked out the orders, “Open that box, right now!  What are you hiding in there?  Do I need to get a subpoena?”
The two birds proceeded to empty the box and throw pieces of wooden dowels, cups, perches, toys, nuts and bolts, all over my yard!  When they had finally finished, they looked like a couple of survivors from an airplane crash surrounded by wreckage.  Then came the dreaded directions, a diagram of about 250 parts.  The pieces were drawn as if it was a blueprint for a bomb.  The tension between the two birds was heating up as they argued over who knew what, who knew what first, and who knew more.

I decided the only safe place for me was a near by branch!

Napoleon began reading the instructions in English, and looked over at Marco Polo, dumbfounded, who grabbed the directions and began reading them in Swedish.  When neither bird could make any sense of how to put the playpen together, they began reading the directions out loud, looking to the heavens for divine guidance.  When no wisdom dropped from the sky, things took a turn for the worst.  Marco Polo insisted on a literal interpretation, while Napoleon urged a more liberal translation, which meant to “make it up as you go along” version.  This clearly was not a good sign.

Over a period of several days, the two parrots screamed and fought as they forced dowels into other dowels, threaded nuts into bolts, and whatever else was left over, was crammed into any nooks and crannies they could find.  The fixture took shape before my eyes.

There’s only one problem: now that it is complete, I have no idea what it is!  It sways and rattles in the wind. I call it the Unknown Monument.  I rolled the three-wheeled contraption down by the creek and parked it next to Napoleon’s huge egg.

As for me, I resigned myself to live with my corrugated deck by my pool.  So much for playpens and ‘No Assembly Required’!

Till next month,

MORTY

Hi!

My name is Diana LaFleur.  I am the proud owner of 3 parrots; Morty (African Grey), Sassy (Jardine) and Nehemiah (Red-bellied). I became interested in parrots in 1992 while I was living in NJ.  I was recovering from a spinal cord tumor and parrots became a part of my therapy.  I went from 1 therapy parrot to 16 parrots in a few years! Trust me, I got my daily regimen of therapy!  I joined the Real Macaw Parrot Club and served as Secretary for 2 years and Vice-president for four. I wrote various humorous monthly articles for the club newsletter for over 8 years. I also headed up the ‘Toucan Live As Cheaply As One’ parrot adoption service.

I am a children’s pastor and I enjoy photography, bird watching, gardening – and, I have been known to be a comedian!

So enough about me, let’s get this show on the road!

Beneath the Cage Grate

Greetings to all my bird friends!

I am going to let my mum write the article this month. I’m busy getting to know my new friend, Alexa. She sits on the coffee table all day and talks with me. I don’t think she has legs or wings, but at least she’s there and she listens. Have I got a tale for you next month!

This story is adapted from The Chronicles of Zac Squiggles. (In New Jersey, I had 16 parrots, a grey, 3 Amazons, 2 pionus, 1 conure, 2 caique, a hawkhead, 2 eclectus, a senegal, a brown-headed parrot, a Meyers parrot, and a red-bellied parrot. Consequently, it made for some interesting stories. Each bird had its own personality. Goliath was a yellow-nape Amazon, who was built like a butterball turkey, and loved to put his head underater and blow bubbles. Mordecai was an African grey, who was quite the motormouth. At 19 years old, Mordecai revealed that he was a she and laid an egg at the bottom of the cage. Meshach was a senegal, and a cuddlebug. I didn’t know he was a girl until she laid an egg at 16 years old. Sassybird is a caique, who still lives in New Jersey, and is a little pistol to say the least. Zac Squiggles was a brown-headed parrot and was one of the most mischievous parrots I have ever owned.)

Today I received an interesting letter from a parront inquiring about a new product.

Dear Morty’s Mom,

Recently, I read about a new product on the market called  SNUGGLIES, a birdie diaper. Would you recommend this product?

Ms. Curious

Dear Ms. Curious,

Would I happen to know about SNUGGLIES?   By coincidence , I received a box of 12 this past week as a promotional gimmick. First, let me tell you that these diapers are sold in a box of 12 for $10. They come in 4 sizes, XS, S,M and L. Do they work? Well, it depends what you mean by that.

From my experience, NO, not for what diapers are designed to do! Let me explain…my birds found new innovative ways to use SNUGGLIES. My Amazon,  Goliath, slipped the diaper off his back end and put it on his head. Honestly, he looked like a demented green Santa Claus! My grey, Mordecai, refused to wear such a contraption. She took it off, hung it on the side of the cage, and screamed, “Pod People!” incessantly until I removed it from her cage. My Senegal, Meshach, thought it was laundry and left it to soak in her water dish. Sassybird, my caique, went a step further and used it as a scoop to empty his water dish completely. And last but not least, Zac Squiggles, my brown-headed parrot, let the diaper soak in his water dish until it became water logged and then threw the nasty wad on the floor! It exploded upon impact into slimy blue gel.

I decided to get rid of the diapers while I was still ahead. I gave 7 diapers to the lady upstairs. She is using them for her children’s art and craft class. Finally, it was with great pleasure that I sent the last remaining diaper to the old man who lives in the adjacent home behind me. He hates birds and insists on screaming and cursing a blue streak every time a bird lands in one of his trees or on his property. My suggested use for the diaper…FIT SNUGLY OVER MOUTH!

If you would like to order a box of 12 for $10, call 1-800-THE BLOB.

Until next time,

Morty’s mum

Pop Quiz: There is only one statement in this article that is true. Can you guess which one it is?